elitefts™ Sunday edition

Do You Understand “Me Time?”

I started this discussion with the personal opinion that all couples should work out together, at least occasionally. Thanks to the tremendous outpouring of feedback from you, the readers, I’ve been able to pinpoint several snags in the river of love. This is due in part to the fact that I’m in the incredibly fortuitous position for you to tell me things you wouldn’t normally tell your significant other. By sending in Q&A responses to me, you’ve made yourself a shareholder. You now own stock in the age-old arguments between men and women. How many times have you read an article somewhere and thought, “That is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband/wife?” Everyone loves the vindication of being able to holler “Hey, honey, guess what? It says right here that I was right about such-and-such, or whatever it is we were arguing about last week.”

So, dear readers, here is – in mostly your own words, along with my commentary – my conglomeration of your reasons why it’s ok to forgo working out with your significant other:

“Sometimes it’s hard to take his advice. Especially when I’m angry. Working out can be emotional, and if things don’t go the way you want you can get upset. I find that if he is there and I’m upset, then he gets the majority of my emotions dumped on him. I don’t do that to the other people in the gym. It’s not fair to him, but it happens.”

Being a woman, I understand this comment all too well. I think the longer couples are together, the more they perfect the art of playing “The Blame Game.” He could have been in the bathroom when I missed my lift, but if he so much as makes one critical peep about it, I’ll give him 10 good reasons why it was all his fault. We as women also strive to maintain a pleasant attitude to those around us regardless of the turmoil we feel inside, so it’s only natural for our man (who sees us sans makeup and with scary-hairy legs) should get Godzilla-like wrath in between light-bulb smiles and “Hey there! How are you?” to others passing by. Why? Because he’s the only one we can do it to and not feel so guilty about it. It’s just an innate quality women possess, kin to multitasking. Don’t you remember as a child how your mother could be screaming at you, threatening you with every tool in her arsenal of pain (belt? wooden spoon? hairbrush?), when suddenly the phone rings and she stops mid-scream to answer in a perfectly modulated voice “Hello?” as you stare, cowering in fear, thinking how did she DO that? Wasn’t she just breathing fire a second ago?

Emotions tend to build like thunderheads during a bad workout, and when you have to go home with your workout partner, negativity can easily overshadow the rest of the evening. If you find that working out together sets a negative tone for other aspects of your relationship, it may not be such a good idea.

“I used to use the gym as my ‘escape’ for everything. I didn’t talk to anyone, think of anything…I just zoned out. I can’t do that as much when we are together at the gym.”

I think all of us have this feeling occasionally. It’s the painful demise of “Me Time.” As your life progresses and you accumulate more and more things and people that depend on you, “Me Time” slowly begins to wither away. “Me Time” might be represented by that dusty stack of romance novels you used to love to read, or that kayak in the garage you used to take down river every other Saturday. For Matt, it’s remembering long rides on his Iron Horse, back before our work schedule got so crazy. For me, it’s writing. My stolen tidbits of time to write are few and far between these days, and if I’m undergoing writer’s block, just forget it. If working out with your significant other is detracting from your “Me Time” instead of enriching your “Together Time,” then it may be “Solo Workout Time.”

“She takes criticism personally sometimes.”

Oh, really? Well, look at it this way: Maybe you’re being too critical. This is yet another age-old clash between men and women…and both sides are guilty of it. I think another major contributing factor is “time in.” The more time a couple has invested in their relationship, the more of a chance that tiny little molehills become big ‘ole mountains. It can be very easy to fall into the habit of criticizing even minor flaws in your significant other. These are things you wouldn’t notice if your buddy JimBob was doing the exercise in question. This might not be true for everyone, but definitely for a lot of us. Just keep in mind, Mr. My-Hamstrings-Are-Tight-As-Drums-Because-I-Never-Stretch-Like-My-Wife-Tells-Me-To…your squats aren’t picture-perfect, either.

If (constructive) criticism is warranted, by all means give it, but remember to always offer modifications that will make the end result better. Don’t tell her what she’s doing wrong. Really, I mean it. Instead of saying she looks like a hunchback when she’s deadlifting, start your sentence with something like, “If you could try looking up towards the ceiling and straightening your back out, it will come up like a dream next time.” Simple rule to remember, gentlemen: (if she’s not in immediate danger of killing/maiming herself) Let It Go. If you can’t be supportive and find yourself tearing down your significant other more than you’re praising them, the next step may be finding a different workout partner.

“In answer to your little survey about training with your gal/guy etc. I personally have done this, and it’s been a disappointment each and every time. Being the meathead that I am, I want a training partner that can skillfully spot and critique what’s going on. Having never dated a lifter (and being married now to my wife who has no interest in it what so ever) it just ain’t happening. Now, if you’re lucky enough for your life partner to also be your lifting partner, then I applaud you!”

I appreciate it, but hold your applause. I personally know quite a few couples who work out together and love it (hence my next article being about the pros of working out as a couple). There comes a time in every argument where one side must concede that the other side has a good point, and this is one of those times. If you’re married to someone with no interest in your workout habits, there’s no reason to force them to do something they don’t enjoy. I thought I’d include this comment because it was a very specific answer, and does give some insight into the argument. I find that this is the case much more often with men who are married to women with no interest in lifting. I haven’t heard any opinions from women who have this issue; if so I’d love to have your input.

“Re: your question about working out with your significant other. I don’t, and I really don’t want to. The main reason is the distraction that would ensue. I workout in my garage, and I just want to get in and put 100 percent concentration on my reps, my form, and listen to my body feedback for an hour and a half without a lot of chatter. My girlfriend is a chatty Kathy, just her nature. Same reason I don’t normally workout with music playing. I do better with quiet concentration.”

Another viable response. This discussion is primarily centered on those who would like to workout with their significant other, but find it difficult. However, I definitely respect the “I don’t, and I don’t really want to” attitude.

“I do not train with my significant other. I am a little more knowledgeable on weight training (technique, reps, intensity, etc) than she is, so I would rather coach her during her workout and do my workout by myself or with another training partner.”

Touché. Just keep in mind that neither you nor she will get the full benefit of sharing workout time if she never learns how to be a workout partner. Part of what makes working out together so beneficial to couples is sharing work ethic, putting in effort, encouraging one another and enjoying a mutual sense of accomplishment. She needs to be taught how to keep you accountable and how to push you to challenge your limits. Being able to participate in your training will be an incredibly liberating experience for her that will flow through to other areas of your life together. Acknowledging and actively contributing to the idea of being a team has been proven to solidify relationships. If she has a vested interest in your training, she’s more likely to encourage you to go even when you’re not motivated, and vice versa. Supporting one another in different facets of your lives provides stability for the relationship as a whole.

Me Time

So, how do we find a happy medium here? The next article will detail the benefits of working out together as a couple (I’ll save those), but for right now I’d like to focus on understanding “Me Time.”

“Me Time” is a key factor in maintaining a positive, healthy, supportive relationship with your partner. Remember your first year or so together? You practically took the trash out together! You smothered one another with love and affection, exchanging silly grins and sweet nothings. “I love you more.” “No, muffin, I love you more!” You rushed home after work to be with them. You spent every available waking moment together. Heaven forbid you should selfishly take a few hours a week to be completely alone!

As time wears on, the time you two overspent together begins to take its toll. You find yourself longing for time to pursue your own interests; things your partner may not find entertaining. Maybe that’s the reason you stopped kayaking/painting/basket weaving. You wanted to do things with your partner; you wanted them to enjoy doing things with you. Through the method of elimination, you now do only the activities that your partner likes to do, and have strayed away from the things that truly bring you happiness.

Now, this isn’t a call to go home and announce to your partner that they hold you back and you’re leaving. It’s just a reminder that all of us should set aside “Me Time.” Every relationship has varying degrees of connectivity. You may wish to spend more time with your partner than they do, or vice versa. The insight I’ve gained from you, the readers, is that even when you’d like to work out with your partner, sometimes it just isn’t productive. Working out alone may actually be a way to regain a bit of “Me Time,” and if it is, you should certainly make the most of it.

Please place your opinions in the comment section below or shoot The Metal Minx an e-mail at minx@elitefts.com.

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