Flashback: elitefts™ Christmas Lyrics Contest

Originally Published: December 9, 2008

This week here at elitefts™ we ran a Christmas Lyrics Contest, where readers were asked to write their own elitefts™ or lifting related lyrics to traditional Christmas songs. Out of hundreds of responses, we chose the best and sent elitefts™ hoodies to the people who created them. Here’s a sampling of some of what we received.

Warning: Some of these may be somewhat offensive, especially if you have some kind of hypersensitivity to the altering of Christmas carols. We don’t have this hypersensitivity, but some people do, so to them we say:

Lighten up, and Happy Holidays!


The Night Before Christmas

By Ken S.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the place,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dave Tate;

The Ace squatters were hung by the monolift with care,

In hopes that St. Jim soon would be there;

The lifters were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of PRs danced in their heads;

And mamma in her thong, and I in my EFS cap,

Had just gotten down as I gave her ass a nice slap,

When out on the lawn there came a sound like thunder,

I sprang from the bed, was someone coming to plunder?

Away to the window I flew like I was trained by Joe D,

Tore open the shutters and screamed like a banshee.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of platform lights to objects below,

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should be viewed,

But a big, black F-350 and eight jacked up dudes,

With a bald tattooed driver, cranking doom, it was grim,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Jim.

Like there was a free buffet the dudes they all came,

And he screamed and played air guitar and called them by name;

“Come on Spud! Come on, Chad! Let’s go, Ano and Bott!

Come on, Zach! Come on Shelby! Did you hear me or not?!

Sit down Matt Rhodes, get your hand off my knee, and Kroc put on a hat before your hair plugs freeze!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now go find the stash! We’re takin’ it all!”

So up to the house-top the dudes they did climb,

Sleigh full of boards, bands, and chains, and St. Jim for the crime.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, out the door,

The eight jacked up dudes, arguing who can squat more.

As I grabbed my Glock 40, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Jim he came with a bound.

Wearing Denim and Leather, from his head to his feet,

I almost shot him; “hey dude, that neck tat is sweet”;

A bunch of empty sacks on his back, he looked tough,

He looked like a guy about to steal all my stuff.

His eyes – they were glazed over! He scowled, yet seemed merry,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His sarcastic little mouth was drawn up with a grin,

As he tugged on the beard that hung from his chin,

The hose of his bong he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke from that bong circled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face, and one helluva yoke,

That shook as he laughed, when I asked for a toke.

He was jonesing for gear, a right skittish Metal elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his face,

Soon gave me the thought, he’s gonna ransack the place!

He sang “Warning” by Sabbath as he went straight to his work,

Found my D-bol, my Winstrol, no not my Test! What a jerk!

He packed up his sacks and tried leavin’ my place,

But I put that Glock 40 right in his face.

I don’t think you’re leavin’ with sacks full of my stash,

That is of course; unless you brought cash?

So I worked out a deal with St. Jim on that night,

He left with the dudes and everything was all right.

I heard him exclaim, as he drove away he did blurt,

“Happy Christmas to all, and Kroc put on a shirt!”


Silver Bells

By Dan

Help me Shelby, help me Shelby

I’m a total fucktard.

I eat Halloween

candy for breakfast.

Women laughing, people passing,

don’t they know I’m the man?

If I bothered to listen, I’d hear:

You’re not big, you’re just fat

It’s reality time, and it’s shitty.

Jiggly-jig, they’re gettin’ big

my baloney tits are now here to stay.

I ask questions,

stupid questions,

about waxy maize and green tea,

Even though I barely eat

thirty-seven grams of protein each day.

Have a Nestle Crunch,

see the rolls bunch,

My dick can barely be seen,

If I stopped kidding myself then I’d hear:

No PR’s for months, still inhaling junk

You can’t bulk when you’re already a fatass.

Ding-dang-dong, nobody wants my schlong

wasn’t the whole point of this to get laid?


Johnny the Jersey Jackal

(to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

By David
You know Matt Kroc and Louie
and Dave Tate and Wendler,
Matt Rhodes and Bob Youngs
and John Bott and Paper,
but do you recall
The most famous lifter of all?

Johnny the Jersey Jackal
(Jackal)
Had a very big, pointy nose
(like a turnip)
And if you saw him lifting
(lifting)
You would probably say he blows
(what a weakling)
All of the other lifters
(lifters)
used to kick his ass at meets
(like he stole something)
They never let poor Jackal
(Jackal)
taste anything but defeat
(suicidal now)

Then one powerlifting meet,
John Bott came to say
(wheeze, wheeze, wheeze)
Jackal with your shirt so tight
Get your master’s total tonight!

Now back at Eastside Barbell
(John’s laundry room)
If we try to make him feel low
(still deserves it)
Jackal will just remind us
(Every workout)
I still got my Master’s bro!
(not the degree)

I STILL GOT MY MASTERS BRO!


The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting…)

By Nick


Dumbbell chest presses are what Dave desires.
Big deadlifts are what Jim Wendler knows.
Huge Chad Aichs is on the wire
Ordering more ammonia for his nose.

Everybody knows a big hit of torque
Makes everything alright.
Lots of racks and sleds in a row
Will find their way to someone’s gym tonight.

That’s because Wendler-Claus is on his way.
He’s bringing lots of gear and lots of gay.
And every angry troll is gonna try
To see if they can get something for free to fly.

And so I’m offering this simple way
To get your total from 1 to 3022.
Although its been said many times many ways
Increase your dose from 1 cc to 2.


The Night Before Christmas

By Scott
Hey Ladies,

So it’s not a song, but anyway…

‘Twas two days before Christmas and all through the gyms, Iron was flying by the power of limbs.

The chains were all hung on the squat bar with care, enough links on the ground to keep them from swinging in air.

The The Prowler was loaded, damn hard to push sleds, and Wendler was finishing a set of 560 deads.

When in the Monolift there arose such a clatter, looks like Dave Tate, didn’t he used to be fatter?

He positioned his body Under the Bar, loaded with the weight of a small import car.

The bar was all nestled snug in his delt, his abs began bracing hard on the Belt.

Down to the Box he went with control, after this set is finished, time to Foam Roll.

Some pics for the website to show that he’s fitter, then back to the office to update his Twitter.

Then Facebook, then bebo, then Linkedin, then Flickr

The Blackberry’s nice, but a laptop is quicker.

Then I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Free shipping to all, but not overnight.”


Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

By Joe
Grandma got run over by a Prowler

Walking home from Southside Christmas Eve
You might not think you’d puke pushing the Prowler,

But as for me and Joe DeFranco we believe.

She’d been sniffing too much nose tork,

And we begged her not to go.

But despite being lightheaded,

She staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,

At the scene of the attack,

She had Prowler skis in her forehead,

And a pair of monster bands upon her back.

Grandma has sadly put a damper,

Upon our meet in this New Year.

Now everyone is asking

What would Grandma wear if she were here?

It’s not Christmas without Grandma

But we still like Metal Gear

And we just can’t help but wonder

Should we try on her pro briefs

Or send them back?

Try them on!!

Now the steak is on the table

And our carbs will digest slow

We all noticed on the seat three shining candles

Which would have matched the whites at Grandma’s meet.

I’ve warned all the skinny assholes

That use the squat racks for wrist curls

You should go train at Bally’s

And we don’t care you got rejected by the girls.

But quickly before you leave us

Good advice no matter where you go

You should think twice before advising

Bald guys pushing prowlers

In the snow!


Jim Wendler’s Bells – 5/3/1 all the Whey

By Daniel

Sifting through the emails
On a one-man strength crusade,
Over old questions we go,
Almost every f**king day;
Bells on Bob-Youngs ring,
making hemorrhoids bright,
What fun it is to ride and sing
A training song tonight
5-3-1, 5-3-1, 5-3-1 all the whey!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-man homemade sled – Esh!

A whey or two ago,
I thought I’d take the Kroc Row for a ride,
And soon Mr. Fanny Pack
Was pumped-up by my side;
The Kroc was lean and in his tank;
He got into a deep squat;
Then he took off his bestest tank,
And Muscletech took the shots.
5-3-1, 5-3-1, 5-3-1 all the whey!
What fun it is to stride
In a male model kind of whey!

Got a call a day or two ago,
The story I must tell
I spoke to someone who just gave the program a go
And on my back I fell;
A gent PR-ing high
Training in a very simple way,
He laughed as there
I sprawling lie,
But changed his program anyway.
5-3-1, 5-3-1, 5-3-1 all the whey!
What fun it is to ride
In a one-man Prowler play.

Now we’re in Rhodestown tonight
Chasing girls while we think we’re young,
Eating a load of sh!te
And singing this pulling song;
Just to get an easy lay
Two-ninety-ish of real man, bedroom pull-thru’s at top speed
Relaxing Mickey D’s on its way
Lay back! Time for another feed.
5-3-1, 5-3-1, 5-3-1 all the whey!
What fun it is to ride
On a Super-HeavyWheyt!


Jingle Bells

Author Unknown

Dashing to the gym
In a beat up pick up truck
sick of being slim
and feeling like a schmuck
Boards and Shirts in back
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to press and rack
A PR is falling tonight

Oh, tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3 cc syringe
tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3 cc syringe

It was just months ago
I decided to take this ride
Soon The Tea Bags changed
Decided to crawl up and hide
I was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed my lot
I soon lost use of my crank
Screw it – took another shot

Oh, tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3cc syringe
tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3cc syringe yeah

Oh, tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3cc syringe
tiny balls, tiny balls
pulled way up high
Oh, what fun it is to push
In a full 3cc syringe


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

By rdmlb

You know Dave Tate and Wendler
Matt Rhodes and Bartley,
Chad Aichs and J Frey,
And Justin and Shelby
But do you recall
The most hardcore lifter of all?

Matt Kroc the biggest Polak
Had a very tight t-shirt (like a young girl)
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it showed (both his nipples)
All of the other lifters
Use to laugh and call him names (like bodybuilder)
But they still let big Matt Kroc
Join in all the lifters fun (like the seminars)

But then one winter afternoon,
Wendler came to say,
Matt Kroc with your shirt so tight,
Im gonna film your rows tonight
Then all the lifters loved him
As he grunted after each rep (UGH)
Matt Kroc the biggest Polak
You’ll go down in history(for your Kroc rows!)


White Christmas

By Steve

I’m commencing to dream of a white (which is obtained by three summations of light intensity across the visible spectrum) Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the uppermost parts of perennial woody plants glisten

And children listen to hear vehicles with runners for sliding on surfaces with low friction ring simple sound-making devices in the snow

In commencing to dream of a white (which is obtained by three summations of light intensity across the visible spectrum) Christmas

With every Christmas card I fill out with representation of language in a textual medium through the use of a set of signs or symbols

May your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be white

With every Christmas card I fill out with representation of language in a textual medium through the use of a set of signs or symbols

May your days be merry and bright and may all your days of the birth of Jesus, which is the basis for the Anno Domini system of dating (thought to have occurred between 7 and 2 BC) be the color white, which is obtained by three summations of light intensity across the visible spectrum


Twas the Night Before Chirstmas

By Lones

Twas the week before the meet,
And all through the gym
Knee wraps were being cranked
Members were not looking slim.
Depth was being called 6 inches high with care,
Chalk dust was heavy in the air.

The bench only guys were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of PR’s and ammonia caps dancing in their heads.
They were all sleeping nude, covered in hair,
That one was for all the Bears.

Outside of the gym there arose such a clatter
So Matt K put down his Gakic and went to see what was the matter.
He headed toward the window, in Xtra Medium shirt
Oh my god, it was a new ice cream parlor,
Full of tasty frozen desserts.

Matt K waddled to let the others in the squat crew know,
He told of 31 flavors, and cones of snow.
There was a race and a cheer,
Matt K‘s eyes filled with tears…
How do these SHW’s move so fast in all of that gear?

So Matt ate until his physique screamed “Jolly Ole St. Nick,”
He had so many fudge sickles he thought he’d be sick
After gorging themselves, back the members came
They turned back on DMX’s “Whats My Name?”

Tonight was the night for our friend Matt K,
He saw the light, he approached the scale to weigh
“Error,” is what the scales say.

Matt approached the monolift, he thought of Hoagies and French fries
The bar was bending and he was barking, when in came the Pizza Guy.
Our friends at the gym could smell the cheese stuffed crust,
After the second binge in 1 hour, the boys laid down in disgust.

And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof,
Wendlerclause, coca cola, cheesy poofs.
They looked for advice, just one more chance,
But all Wenderclause wanted to do is listen to Unearthly Trance.

They all needed help, they needed to take a weight
But couldn’t stand up, due their resting heart rates.
Wendlerclause had a bag of tricks on his back,
And out jumped Vogelpohl, and gave their heads a smack.

Their eyes, how they twinkled, after coming to,
Vogelpohl looked at them and said, “You all know what to do!”
One by one, they got suited in canvas and polyester,
Our friend Matt K looked as if he was in his 2nd trimester.

The bloat was king,
All hail the chicken wing.
Openers were hit, some wanted even more
Dave Tate even came, they couldn’t ask for anymore.

After some words of advice, they called it quits
Until the meet rolled around, to Dave’s advice they’d commit
They all rested up, weighed in at super heavyweight,
It was glorious on the platform,
The biggest numbers to date.

On the way to their cars,
I heard them all say
“Meet us at Outback Steakhouse, then we’ll hit the pizza buffet!”

 


Now it’s your turn! If you think you’ve got what it takes to concoct your own elitefts™ inspired holiday jingle, leave a comment in the box below!

Happy Caroling!

 

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About the Author

Dave Tate is the founder and CEO of elitefts.com, staffed by experienced professionals dedicated to providing strength coaches, athletes and trainers with the highest-quality equipment, personalized service and extensive knowledge needed to advance their training programs. View Dave Tate's Training Log HERE