“Oh, I love having a big ass, and I want it to stay big. Just a little harder than it is now. Women are supposed to have curves, you know?”
YES, PRAISE THE GODS!
My newest client said the above during her initial consultation. I was absolutely floored to hear this, as the majority of women with which I have consulted and trained usually have a laundry list of what they don’t like about themselves…along with about a decade worth of diets, fads, and frustrations they can list on command.
This particular client was different, though. She had absolutely no issue at all with strength training, and she wanted to be challenged by the weights. It was an incredibly refreshing experience, and I know that with her eagerness to learn, she’ll succeed with her particular goals.
I wish this happened more often. My male clients always feel empowered when they learn to use the barbell and when they learn how they can be strong. With female clients, however, it’s a battle—everything is a battle. I don’t often train females for this very reason. Historically, there were very few resources for coaches and trainers to draw upon in regards to the female client/athlete. Certainly there was a dearth of anything regarding the psychological component of training, but it’s only been in the last few years that great female coaches have begun to have a voice (the women of team elitefts™ being excellent examples).
Yet, this particular client didn’t have the usual list of hates and frustrations that most women seem to have. She had been an athlete her whole life; she had been strong her whole life.
“Promise me I’m not going to lose my curves?”
“I promise. You’re not going to lose anything. Just add until you are more than what you are now.”
More than what you are now…I wish I could say that more often to women. To be more than what you are, not less. I had a sort of realization after talking with her. Training men…well, men always want to be bigger; they want to be stronger. Even if the primary goal is fat loss, the desire to become strong is a fire that can be built.
For women, though, it’s the opposite. Their whole perspective is based around what they want to get rid of. They want their bodies to be less than what they currently are, not more. The whole female side of the fitness industry has historically been built upon “getting rid” of everything about their bodies that makes them unhappy, which is generally everything.
This has to fucking STOP. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of women thinking they are supposed to be weak. I don’t know who taught them this. I don’t know if it was their mothers, the media, and/or their friends. I don’t know how this started or who started it, but I do know that it needs to end. Whatever it was, whoever it was, it needs to be killed. You are not supposed to be weak. You have the right to be strong.
The body you want is more than what you are, not less. You have the right to make progress. You have the to right to have muscles. Your training is not confined to counting how many calories two hours of cardio can burn. You have the right to add plates to the bar. You have the right to use something heavier than 10s. You have the right to be strong.
You’re supposed to have curves. You’re supposed to have an ass. You’re supposed to look like a woman. Being a woman does NOT mean you are automatically weak. It doesn’t mean you can’t be physically capable. Being happy with yourself will never come from the process of hating yourself. I can’t say how to go about this—it’s different for everyone. But I can tell you that until this change happens mentally, don’t expect anything positive to happen physically.
Your body is not something you are in battle against. It’s not a war that you fight and say, “I won” on the day you’ve dieted down to nothing. Nobody truly “wins” a war. One side just dies more than the other side. Your body is not something you are supposed to set out and kill. You construct something greater out of what you have, not destroy and lessen what you are.
You have the right to enjoy food. Food keeps you alive. You have the right to eat and not feel guilty. You have the right to know that there is no magic diet or special pill or dark secret. The magic number on the scale doesn’t matter if it takes black magic to get it. You don’t learn anything this way, and nothing changes other than an irrational number.
You have the right to be happy with what you are. You have the right to make gains. You have the right to have the same training and education that men have. And more than anything else, you have the RIGHT to be STRONG.
Related Articles:
Training the Female Athlete: Culture, Education, and Motivation
Being a Woman is Not a Disability
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Alexander Cortes is a personal trainer who started heavy lifting four years ago to rebuild his body after severely injuring his back and tearing a hamstring during ballet training (yes, you read that right). After using a cane for a year, he decided to make a change and become strong(er). His passion lies in heavy, old school training that builds muscle and power, and his background in dance gives him a unique perspective on how and why we train. He can be contacted at 
WORD! This is great! :) Thank you. I train mostly women for exactly this reason–to teach them to dig deep and see how awesome they TRULY are!!! Finding strength is ESSENTIAL!!!
This is a great article. I do enjoy lifting at the gym and being strong. But I really needed the reminder that my focus shouldn’t be about what I’m trying to lose. Really struck a chord with me. Well done
Awesome. I will be speaking on this very thing at the Boston seminar this weekend…. Women need to come hear it and men need to know how to say it, coach it and make women believe it!!!
Keep spreading the word…. Love it!!!
wow! thanks for that amazing write-up. I actually liked it for the core. Hope you retain publishing such outstanding article content
Hell I’m a guy and I’m psyched up! Great, well written article with a message more ladies need to hear.
Alexander Cortes, you have a huge new fan in me! Please keep trying to get the message out. I’ve never understood the mental struggle women have with weight training but witness it constantly, even in some of the best athletes I know. It frustrates the heck out of me!
Um, pardon my french buttttttttttttt….HELL FUCKING YEAH!
This is an amazing article! I wish all women could read this!
Well said! My new favorite quote of all time: “Being happy with yourself will never come from the process of hating yourself.”
Thanks for this!
Thank you thank you thank you!! A lot of spirit went into writing this, Im thrilled that so many have identified with it
LOVE this!
As a feminist, I admit my first thought was, “Great, another case of men telling women what they ought to look like,” but you’re completely right. It would be SO nice to be allowed to be muscular AND attractive at the same time. We are so overdue for this. Men need to be able to be masculine regardless of their size and without having the monopoly on strength. But women do too.
“You’re supposed to have curves. You’re supposed to have an ass. You’re supposed to look like a woman. ”
No. I look like a woman because I AM a woman, not because I have curves. Body-shaming in any form sucks. Women have all sorts of health bodies–to include without curves or a noticeable ass. Just because I don’t have J Lo’s booty or Marilyn Monroe’s hourglass figure doesn’t mean I’m not a woman.
“You have the right to be happy with what you are.”
Yes, and that includes being naturally slender, even if that means also naturally having a small chest and a flat ass.
I agree that women who are curvy shouldn’t feel like they have to lose weight to be awesome. However, please don’t go and then make those of us who are thinner feel bad because we don’t have bigger curves. Because then all you’re doing is perpetuating the core problem–judging women primarily for our appearances and the limitations of our genetics.
Lupa, I hear you loud and clear and I agree. We come in all shapes and sizes and there is no ONE way to be a woman. I think the author is responding to all of the women who come into contact with weigh-lifting in any form and immediately says “Oh, but I don’t want to get bulky” or “I don’t want to get big” etc etc. There is so much emphasis on getting slender or NOT BEING BIG. I’m a trainer myself and i hear it constantly.
Perhaps the piece to hold on to is this: if a woman wants to be physically powerful, she shouldn’t let anything get in her way. We are all beautiful.
Peace.
Did you even stop to think that he was referring to those of us who are not naturally thin but the woman he had referred to earlier who embraced her curves? For the love of all things holy, STOP making an issue of something that is clearly not meant for you.
It’s not “clearly” not meant for her. The way the sentences are juxtaposed caused me to read this the same way Lupa did (curves + ass = look like a woman). This curves v. skinny rhetoric is tired and offensive because it’s telling women there is a right way to be, whichever way that is. The sentiment behind the article is great but it could really do without that part.
Hell YEAH!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you … this is a brilliant article and about damn time. As other commenters have said …. every woman should read this. I’ll do my best to spread the word :)
“You’re supposed to have curves. You’re supposed to have an ass. You’re supposed to look like a woman. ”
But not all women have curves or an ass. And, believe it or not, they are still very real.
This is a great and motivating article with one glaring flaw- all the “real women” talk. Real women have curves, and also don’t. Real women lift and also don’t care to. Real women can be weak or build strength or fall somewhere in between. In trying to be empowering to women the article has managed to cut a chunk of women out of the “worth” category by ignoring their existence; ignoring that they are, in fact, “real”. It’s an all too common tactic- in order to build confidence establish something as more worthwhile or real than something else. Or, in this case, someone. It’s a common tactic but an altogether unnecessary one.
Yes! +1
Love this! Great article, thanks :-)
Fuck yes. This almost made me cry. ;) I am so happy that the women I train WANT to be strong. They WANT to have curves. They WANT to add more weight to the bar, push out another five reps of push ups, shoot for a chin-up, squat towards a body weight squat. They WANT to be better, stronger, healthier women. And goddamit, they are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article.
LOVE IT! Thank you so much for an inspiring article about something so important. Great work!
Superbly written, can’t wait to read more.
This is an article that EVERY woman should read!! I was part of the wanting to be skinny club and it cost me my health….Today: I want to be STRONG(HER) and am finally embracing the fact I am bigger than all of my female friends and many of my male friends!! Thank you
Awesome article! I’ll be thinking of this article when I lift my heavy weights today! I love the idea of becoming more than what we are, not less. Definitely a new work-out mantra.
THANK YOU. I will be sharing with my female clients!!!
One word…TRUTH!
Awesome article. I’m disappointed that some people are misreading it. The point isn’t that skinny is bad, the point is that people shouldn’t have expectations of making their body something it can’t be.
Unfortunately, that’s not what keeps me from strength training in the gym. I want to be strong. But I’m not (yet). I’m a little embarrassed at the low point I’d have to start. That, combined with the possibility of unwanted advice (which I’ve gotten before, from a supposed teacher, which at his direct guidance led to an injury), keeps me body-weight training at home. Money might be an issue too.
Great article. And for the negative people. You will be decrepit soon enough. Weight Bearing exercise needs to become more common. Core Lifts such as DL and Squats change lives and provide just the boost people need in understanding how their body works and responds to load! Now pick up the damn weights and TRAIN!
IN ORDER TO CHANGE THE BODY YOU MUST CHALLENGE THE BODY!
Great article. To all the negative people-You will be decrepit soon enough. Weight bearing exercise needs to become more common in the gym. Core LIfts such as DL and Squat change LIVES with the body’s ability to respond to load. It is pretty simple… IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE BODY YOU MUST CHALLENGE THE BODY! now pick up the damn weights and TRAIN!
Hutch
I think if more women went into the science of being in great shape the squat rack would be filled with women doing heavy bench squat and deads and the retarded cardio classes would be empty. still never could understand why women think men like women with those physiqes. I will take my female fitness model friends that have muscle and squat 225lbs. boom!
Awesome.
Great start — look forward to more.
fantastically written. I understand that body shaming, in any form, is deplorable. The author did justice to ALL OF US FEMALES by writing this. He never said, “you are less of a woman because you have curves but no ass.. or you have curves all over, or you have zero curves”. He never said “all you skinny girls need to take notes!” He was simply encouraging us to love our bodies. OUR bodies are strong. OUR bodies are magnificent.. whatever shape, size or density, we need to rejoice in being strong & healthy.
Size is merely a concept.
Thank you Heather!!
THANK YOU! I didn’t see a ‘real women’ statement in this wonderful article. I’m not sure why anyone read that into it. Brilliant article.
I love everything about this article! It’s so very refreshing to have this male perspective. LOVE!
Wonderful article! CrossFit has really helped me with body acceptance because I see lots of curvy, muscular girls just like me. it has really helped me to find a community that embraces these body types. It’s about time!
This is one of the best articles I have read in a LONG time. Celebrating ourselves and what we were/are born with is what we should do.
I never comment on blogs, but here I am! I just wanted to thank you for this effing incredible article!! HELL YEAHHH!!! :D
Oh man, I needed this today. I teared up reading this. I have been letting the numbers on the scale get me down and affect my motivation. They were causing me to rethink my ability to reach my goals. THANK YOU! Thank you for the reminder. Strong is what I want. Strong is what I will be. Actually strong is what I am. ~sniff~
This was AWESOME! Love it! Thank-you – been forwarded on to women I know.
This is me! Well, now it is. I’ve recently had an epiphany. I’ve always loved my curves. Would make the same comment about my bum. I like the size, hate the wobble! I have an ample chest which I love. But I focused on the bits in between. The big belly. The fat thighs. The double chin. Lose, lose, lose was always my focus. Now I’ve got that competitive drive I had when I was back at school. I was always the strongest, the fastest. That’s what I want back. That’s my focus. Getting that back, not losing anything.
I love this article. It almost brought me to tears since I too have always focused on what I want to take away from my body . Even though I am 9 months pregnant I am learning to make peace with my new body. Well done.
Fuck yeah!! Thank you thank you thank you…
HELL YEAH!!! You need to make t-shirts outta that headline too!