A Christmas Wish List for Your Momma

No matter who you are or how old you are, your momma jokes are always funny. Scratch that. GOOD your momma jokes are always funny. Just because the holiday season is upon us doesn’t mean that we cannot enjoy some good your momma jokes integrated into a great shopping list for all the moms out there. Your momma deserves solid, tested, and quality training equipment and accessories to support her pursuit of strong(her).

Chains: Complete Set. The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, your momma ran out from under the porch and bit my leg. The only way to prevent this scenario from happening is to use the proper chains. Let’s switch this scenario to: your momma’s so strong, she broke through the chains and bit your leg. Every mom needs a quality set of chains to support her pursuit of being the strongest mutha on the block.


Dragging Sled.  Your momma is so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose. Now that’s a solid your momma joke, and there is no room for improvement with this one. It’s pure gold. So, your momma’s fat? Get her moving, sweating, and working to no longer be the brunt of fat your momma jokes. This dragging sled is the perfect solution.

Spider Tack. Your momma’s so strong, she can blow a bubble with Jolly Ranchers. Your momma should be out there loading stones. If she’s not, well, there are issues. EVERY mother needs to experience the empowerment of lifting heavy stones. Quality tacky is essential for any hardcore stone loading. So let’s rewrite this one…your momma’s so strong she can blow bubbles with Spider Tack.

SS Yoke Bar™. Your momma’s butt is so big, it looks like two pigs fighting over Milk Duds. All momma’s should have a big butt…the RIGHT kind of big butt that comes from squats, squats, squats. If your momma isn’t squatting a butt load of weight, she’s got a butt load of weight. Keep her in check and strong enough to pop those Milk Duds between her cheeks.


elietfts™ Splat Girl Hood. Your momma’s so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a busted condom. Who wears turtlenecks anymore, anyway? Your momma needs to look good this holiday season, and there is no better way than to see her sporting the new elitefts™ Splat Girl Hood. I’m not even going to touch the whole splat description listed on its page, but it certainly opens the door for some quality add-ons to this your momma joke.



The Iron Sport Strength Method. Your momma’s so hardcore, she has a tattoo on her back that says “Who’s The Man?” If your momma’s really that hardcore — in true Steve-O style — she probably has a tattoo portrait of the only other note worthy Steve…elitefts’s own Steve Pulcinella giving two thumbs up. Since your momma’s the man, she needs to read the book BY The Man.



Premium elitefts™ P2 Bench Belt. Your momma is so ugly that when she was born, she was put in an incubator with tinted windows. Your momma might be ugly, but there is a way to off-set some of the damage people experience when looking at her. So momma’s ugly…this belt is beautiful. And hardcore. Any momma out there who likes to lift heavy stuff needs proper support, and this is the best out there.



V-Max 40 lb. Short Weighted Vest. Your momma is so strong, she ran the Boston Marathon wearing ankle weights. This joke falls short in the use of ankle weights. Let’s try it again…your momma’s so strong she ran the Boston Marathon wearing a weighted vest. If your momma’s gonna be running, at least she can be hardcore. One thing’s for sure: she will be 80 times more badass than this model guy staring off whimsically into the distance…



3″ Cable Grenade Ball—2 Pack. Your momma is so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye. Now the reality of this situation is that your momma may be ugly, but she should have the balls in this relationship…the grenade balls that is. Every momma needs a solid grip and the tools necessary to level the playing field, ugly or not.


Any mother out there deserves nothing short of the best. She gave birth to you and survived all of the dumb things you have probably done. Moms like to bond with their kids and share in their interests. Include your mom in your pursuit of mass and strength while showing her love and respect for how hardcore she really is.

For this complete list that is sure to make your momma proud she has you for a son or daughter, click HERE!


EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, ’tis the season to attempt to stimulate sales through our daily Christmas Wish List series. I know, I know. Hidden marketing, right? However, are they entertaining? Yes, we try to make them so. Are they informative? Again, we do our best to choose those that pass on valuable information to you. And are they funny? Well, that is mostly up to you…but so far we have had some pretty good ones! Keep in mind that this is the time of the year in which we hope to make the sales required to keep us in business and able to provide the daily informative articles and videos that you enjoy all year long. If you like one of these lists, please share a link to it on your Twitter or Facebook feed. Thank you!

If you have your own fun wish list to share, make sure to submit it to: guns18@elitefts.com. If yours gets posted, you will receive a $25 gift card to elitefts.com. What’s more, the author of the BEST wish list will receive a $250 gift card to elitefts.com. The deadline for submissions is December 14, 2012. Happy Wishing!


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About the Author

Amy Wattles competes in Strongman, Highland games, and grip. She has won the women’s national championship in the US Grip National Championship and North American Highlander and has also competed in the World Strongwoman Championship. Amy holds several North American records in grip and Highlander and a world record in grip. In addition to competing, Amy is a special education teacher and owns Competitive Edge Athletic Performance Center in Meridian, Idaho (www.edgemeridian.com) with her husband Matt. View her training log.