10 Gifts to Make You Awesome (Or at the Very Least Suck Less)

10 Gifts to Make You Awesome (Or at the Very Least Suck Less)

It is the 236th birthday of my beloved Corps, yet I can’t help but think about the upcoming holidays. As every other year, I was recently plagued by the obligatory “What do you want for Christmas this year?” questions from friends and family. Of course, the only thing I want (and the only thing anyone should really want) is to be awesome. This reminds me of all the useless crap I asked for throughout the years in my pursuit of awesomeness, all of which ultimately ended up being utter and total crapola. Now, it should be noted at this point in time, I am by no means awesome. Still, with the use of good programming and kick-ass training tools, I became a competitive strongman and powerlifter that sucks less and slowly progresses towards the awesome end of the spectrum with each passing year. Based on my years of experience in pursuit of awesomeness, I complied the following, admittedly rudimentary, list (obscure “Seinfeld” reference anyone?) of the 10 things anyone should desire to increase his or her awesome quotient, in no particular order.

1. Prowler

What is there to say about this metal monstrosity? It looks absolutely not awesome at all—an oddly shaped hunk of steel with some poles sticking out of it, and yet the beauty lies in its simplicity. Throw on some weight, sack up, and start to push or pull. It will make every inch of your body hurt, your lungs burn, and you’ll be hating life and possibly vomiting uncontrollably in no time. You’ll hate it- but love it at the same time (it’s weird like that). Tate, Wendler, and Defranco tout its awesomeness…but what do they know, right?

$279.00
Prowler: Econo Prowler
The best tool for conditioning just got more affordable.
DSWS-R-PE
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2. EFS Foam Roller (any size)

This is the best thing for soft tissue work and recovery. After all, what’s the point of being big and strong if you cannot scratch your own back, tie your own shoes, or wipe your own ass (especially the last part).

$19.95
EFS Foam Roller 36×6
Work out the kinks with our tough roller.
A-EFSFOAMROLLER-366
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3. Economy Farmer’s Walk Handles

First of all, the farmer’s walk is a staple strongman event, with an emphasis on ‘strongman.’  There’s a reason it’s not called weakman. Load these bad boys up and your grip won’t be the only thing that gets a workout. You’ll feel it everywhere from your shoulders, to your abs and lower back, to your calves. An added bonus is that a strong grip is not only important in training, but in life in general. Nobody respects the dead-fish handshake. Nobody. Chris Tag, I’m talking to you.

$145.00
Economy Farmer’s Walk Handle
For those on a limited budget
DSWS-SM-FWH-E
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4. Matt Kroczaleski Intensity DVD

Insane training is an understatement. If you don’t get motivated watching this guy, get yourself to a hospital immediately, as you don’t have a pulse. The man is a champion powerlifter and bodybuilder, not to mention a former Marine (Semper Fi!). He certainly knows his stuff. I mean, he sticks nails into his own arms for God’s sake! It doesn’t get much more hardcore than that. However, one piece of advice I will offer is never to try to emulate his exact training, as it will in all likelihood kill you.

$39.99
Matt Kroczaleski Intensity DVD
Insane Training
Matt Kroczaleski V-MKINTENSITY
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5. EFS Pro Band Pack

These are great, even if you don’t use them for powerlifting. The smaller bands are great for stretching and pre-hab. I love using them for pull-a-parts to keep the shoulders healthy and attaching them overhead for ab work and band press downs. In all fairness, you can’t even begin to be awesome if you don’t do pull-ups. These little babies are great for added assistance until you work up to doing them on your own (chin over the bar and full extension at the bottom please–this isn‘t Coach Sullivan‘s gym class).

6. EFS 10mm Lever Belt

Despite what “gurus” will tell you while they stand on a BOSU ball in neon biker shorts and do high-rep arm circles in a half squat position, belts are super awesome, but they also help you become awesome safely. Now, as this clearly doesn’t give the green light to be the feminine hygiene product that wears a belt for every single rep of every single exercise, common sense and discretion is a prerequisite. I like the lever belt over a prong belt because it’s easier to cinch it in and get it good and tight. Admittedly, as much as I want to be awesome, I also like things to be easier because, yes, I am lazy. The strongest men and women on the planet wear belts, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t too. When used properly, a good belt will give you the support to perform a heavy set with confidence and will become an invaluable tool in your awesomeness toolbox. However, when used improperly, it can quickly turn you into a star of YouTube videos with titles such as “Why You Should Train At Home” and “Gym Moron; The Return of Beltman.” Rest assured that Dave would post those videos in his log for all the awesome people to see.

$76.00
EFS Lever Belt 10mm
Easy open, easy close.
Custom made for EFS A-EFSLEVERBELT
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7. Knowledge – Starting Strength (Rippetoe) and 5/3/1: The Simplest and Most Effective Training System for Raw Strength e-book (Wendler)

Let’s face it, you can’t be awesome and stupid at the same time. Stupidity is the exact opposite of awesome. In fact, stupidity sucks. Sucks bad. Sucks really bad (two “Seinfeld” references in the same article? You bet). It’s 2011, and therefore ignorance is no longer acceptable and can certainly not be described as ‘bliss’. By no means do you need to be an expert, but there’s no excuse for not knowing proper form on basic barbell exercises. Enter Mark Rippetoe and Starting Strength. This text will teach the basic lifts that should be in everyone’s repertoire, whether they plan to compete in strength sports or not. Nothing will make you suck less than benching, overhead pressing, squatting, deadlifting, and cleaning. These basic lifts are such a cornerstone of awesomeness, that Wendler bases his 5/3/1 program around them. Continuing from Rippetoe, Wendler lays out a simple and easy to follow program that will get you stronger. Moreover, it is extremely effective for anyone from competitive strength athletes to weekend warriors. It’s all laid out for you, so there’s nothing to screw up or figure out. I’m personally using it with great success, and as I stated earlier, I am quite lazy. I’m no Rhodes Scholar either, far from it. Thus, if I can use it effectively, anyone can.

$29.99
Starting Strength: Basic Barbell Exercises, 2nd Edition
The best book on strength training just got better.
B-SSTRENGTH2
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$19.99
531: The Simplest and Most Effective Training System for Raw Strength (E-book)
The book that will make you strong.
Jim Wendler EBOOK-WENDLER-531
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8. Blast Straps

These are great at making any bodyweight exercise more difficult without adding weight or resistance. If you’re a bodyweight stud and you can knock out dips and pushups like it’s your job, switch over to these bad boys and you’ll be shaking like a leaf on a tree until you get used to the unstable nature of the movement. I find blast strap pushups an excellent way to increase strength and stability in the shoulder girdle and pec insertion without having to worry about excessive strain due to added weight. Aside from the plethora (SAT word; bonus!) of bodyweight exercises that can be performed, the Blast Straps are also great for sled work. Attach them to a dragging sled or Prowler and you have the perfect handles for dragging, pulling, pressing or rowing. I’lll have to say, however, the most awesome thing that can be done with Blast Straps are muscle-ups. Although I can’t even come close to doing even a single one, I’ll tell you that anyone that can do a muscle ups is instantly awesome. Sorry, but there is no argument here.

$79.95
Blast Straps
The best way to perform suspended push-ups, chin-ups, face pulls and other bodyweight exercises.
Custom made for EFS A-BLAST
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9. Kettlebells (any size)

There’s nothing fancy about an iron ball with a handle, but when used properly, these things will kick your ass. The uneven weight distribution makes them great at substituting for dumbbells in a number of exercises, such as delt raises, overhead presses, clean and presses, and snatches. Then, there’s what many consider to be the most B. A. Baracus (OK, A-Team aficionados, I know that it stands for Bosco Albert/Bad Attitude. Still, I like to use it as the acronym for Bad Ass. No disrespect to Mr. T intended) kettlebell exercise in existence—the swing. It’s hard to find a better stationary exercise that is great for both functional strength and burning fat. It hits the glutes, hamstrings, and lower back as no other movement can. It also helps to strengthen the hips and develop that explosive pop that is so crucial in pretty much every sport known to man. My one recommendation is to be careful in weight selection when performing the swing. When done properly, the bottom of the movement can be a bit precarious and if you go too heavy you may inadvertently squeeze out a loud, noxious, embarrassing fart. Trust me, I know.

$79.99
York 50 lb Kettlebell
York 50 lb Kettlebell
York DSYB-15150
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10. Gym Chalk

So important, and yet so underrated. This should be a staple in everyone’s training. If you train at a “big box” gym, you need your own because apparently, they don’t believe it is worth the “mess” and therefore will not provide it. Hell, you’ll probably have to sneak it in, but that’s why I gave up on commercial gyms long ago. You just plain need chalk. You’re not pulling a PR or going for a max set of pull-ups and being successful with sweaty, greasy hands. Get some chalk and train safely.

$14.95
Gym Chalk
8 blocks per pack
A-CHALK
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So, there is my top 10 list of awesomeness. Of course, you could throw in a gift card at No. 11, as then you could get whatever you wanted from elitefts™ (not that anyone would disagree with my list, right?). A couple of years ago, I left Gold’s Gym forever and created Spartan Barbell in my basement in Enfield, CT. Now, we have a small crew and everything on the above list and then some. Although we’re not setting World Records, we train hard and set PRs, and that’s awesome enough for us.

With that being said, scoop up some of the sweet gear on this list and make your holidays a little happier.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all three white lights!

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