In case you didn’t know, the night before Halloween is Devil’s Night. To celebrate, we’ve got the Devil’s Day Deals sale, which includes all sorts of good stuff; clothing, supplements, gear, kettlebells, sleds, and other goodies that will help get you strong as hell.
On top of the great sale, we’ve decided to throw you a bone and share some of our limitless knowledge with you. Read on, if you dare.
Are you sick of being stuck in the slow lane? Are you in a rut, broke, or going nowhere in life? Do you feel that you deserve something more than the pathetic existence you’ve eked out so far? Maybe you want a 2400 pound total, a new Ferrari, or a date with Vida Guerra (or Ryan Reynolds, ladies). Do you do things the righteous way and still get the short end of the stick? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then I’ve got a proposition for you. It’s simple and slightly risky, but the returns can be huge if you do it right.
I’m talking about making a deal with the Devil. Yep, Satan. The lord of the underworld, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Old Nick, or whatever you want to call him. I’ll talk you through this process, and trust me, it’s not quite as bad as you might think.
First of all, you’ll need to meet the Devil. The easiest way is to start wailing away on a fiddle. I mean, really jam with it. According to the great Charlie Daniels, the Devil should show up and challenge you to a fiddling duel. In Mr. Daniels’ defining work “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” the text clearly states that Lucifer will attempt to offer you a golden fiddle if you beat him, but I would suggest negotiating otherwise, as a golden fiddle probably won’t even be playable and holding on to volatile liquid assets like gold is a risky financial move. Just politely decline the fiddle-off and tell him that you’d rather strike a deal with him on other terms.
Planning is important, so make sure you have a good lawyer with you. I would suggest utilizing the services of a reputable lawyer who has experience in Satanic dealings, voodoo, and the occult. Check the yellow pages, but make sure your Satanic lawyer has a degree from a reputable law school, otherwise you could be left hanging… or burning. (ZING!)
Make sure you know what deal you’ll try to make before you enter into discussion with the devil. Many an idiot has sat down with Satan and ended up wishing for a ham sandwich. Why ask for a ham sandwich when you could ask for a diamond sandwich, a footlong in fact, with platinum bread? Why ask for a Rolls Royce when you could ask for ten Rolls Royces? Why ask for a million dollars when you could ask for ten billion dollars? Go big or go home, kid, and don’t forget that the Devil is a trickster.
The trickster thing leads into my next point… Be specific! Don’t just say, “I wanna be rich, bro!” because Satan will certainly make you rich, but he’ll probably also make it so you’re stuck on a deserted island with nothing but an ATM. Also, don’t ever call the Devil “bro.” Another example: don’t ask “to be the most powerful person in the world.” Why? Because Beelzebub will grant the wish and then you’ll get assassinated on your first day as Dictator of the World. Be smart about this. Try something that covers all the bases, like, “I would like to be the wealthiest person alive and live a long, fruitful life complete with friends, family, and people I love, please Mr. Satan sir, thank you.” Pro tip: make sure you include that you’d like to be healthy, so you don’t die after a few years or a day or an hour.
Most likely there will be a puff of smoke and then the Devil will produce a contract for you to sign. This is where your new lawyer friend comes into play. Have the lawyer look over everything to make sure it’s legit. You don’t want there to be any fine print saying that you have to throw a bucket of blood on a bunch of nuns once a week, do you?
It’s all been cool up til now, but this is where it gets a little shady. It’s a deal with the Devil, not a “Get free stuff from Satan for nothing in return” type of situation. So what are you going to give up? Trick question; the only acceptable answer is YOUR SOUL. Now, that might seem like a hefty price to pay -and it is- but this article is not about if you should make a deal with the Devil, it’s about how to make such a deal. (Disclaimer: EliteFTS takes no responsibility for your soul in any way, shape, or form. Although we have connections, we absolutely cannot help you escape the sulfuric pits of hell, no matter how hard we flex our guns.)
If everything looks shipshape in the contract and you’re comfortable with the terms of eternal damnation, go ahead and sign away. Remember that most Satanic contracts are only valid if you sign in goat’s blood, virgin’s blood, or virgin goat’s blood, so make sure you have one of those options available. Try Office Depot.
There you go. You should be all set for your life of luxury, power, two-ton totals, and/or celebrity. Something to remember is that you probably don’t want to go to hell, so consider performing a miraculous act of self-sacrifice towards the end of your life so that your contract with Satan will be voided by your good deed. The word on the street is that hell’s gym has 40 squat racks complete with mastodon bars but you’re not allowed to squat in them, only curl! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!