Top 10 Gifts for the Office Dweller

Not a trainer? Not a coach? Not someone who works at a factory, job site or other place that actually creates things? Well, then you are like me and this list if for you: kings and queens of the cubicle.

#1-2 Metal Jack Squat Suit and Briefs – We all know the awesome power of gear. But, the goal here is not to squat more in a meet. When you are tired of dealing with office douchery and need a break from Nancy in Accounts Payable giving you crap about expense report approvals, just follow this four-step process:

Get a Jack suit/brief combo two sizes too small
Get in the monolift and load the bar with 125 percent of your one rep max
Take the weight, lower it to regulation multiply depth and then attempt to explode out of the hole
The weight won’t move, but continue to strain with all your might for 60 seconds, then have spotters take it

In 24 hours, the whites of your eyes will be completely replaced by a blood red greatness that will scare the bejezus out of Nancy, your boss and any other cubicle-intruders. Don’t worry, the effects wear off in 7-10 days.

#3 Captains of Crush Gripper – No person wants to be the limp fish of the office. Your handshake should be equal to that of a hydraulic vice, leaving broken bones and lasting intimidation in the wake of every business introduction. Big meeting with the VP in a few minutes? You only need 20 reps of the CoC you’ve got stashed in your top desk drawer, next to the tape measure you use to measure the guns, and your forearms will be jacked and ready for action. Big corporate retreat in two months? Now is the time to plan ahead to rip arms out of sockets and make them remember your name.

#4 Gym Chalk – It is 4:30PM. Your boss just dumped a mountain of budget reports that must be entered into the system by the end of the day. You have a date at 8PM with the hot temp in HR. It is bad enough that your chubby calloused nubs have trouble only hitting one key at a time on a keyboard. The last thing you need is slippery tips while you work magic on the 10-key pad. Pull out some chalk from that bottom drawer where you store your Pop Tarts, and you’ll be done in enough time to get to the bar early to have a shot of some harmless tasting of severely intoxicating liquor already waiting for your date.

#5 Ammonia Caps – This is an absolute must-have for the land of cubicles. As you take the stage before every presentation or public speaking event, break that cap and inhale vigorously. You gotta be strong out of the gate in order to grab their attention. For important engagements, bring enough for the whole audience. Carry multiple caps to regularly scheduled department meetings so you can take a quick hit when you feel yourself dozing off. They also work well after a night on the town with hot temps from HR.

#6 EFS Script Patch Duffle Bag – Yes, everyone carries their laptop bag to and fro to make it look like they actually turn it on and furiously work on their TPS reports from home. Screw that. By carrying the EFS gym bag to and fro you send a strong message to all that you are not some corporate drone. You are a bad-ass king of the mountain who will physically dismantle anyone who stands in your way. Of course, the contents should strictly be Oreos and Pop Tarts. No reason to take training gear out of your garage gym and into the office cardio-filled fitness center.

#7 Biotest Supplements –Too lazy to get up early enough for breakfast? A blender bottle and Metabolic Drive will do the trick. Trying to recover from a hangover? Spike Shooter, FiniBars and a couple scoops of Super Food along with lots of water might help. Need to stay awake through your 8-hour strategic plan review? Hot-Rox has you covered. Or, if you just want to take a nap under your desk George Costanza-style, Z-12 will have you sawing logs in no time. The possibilities are endless.

#8 Box Squat Box – If you’re like me, it is impossible to walk more than 50 feet before the pump starts. And suburban office complex parking lots require walking way more than 50 feet. It starts with a mild sensation in the low back and culminates with an intense throbbing that will have you doubled over in pain. There is no cure except to lean against a stable object or sit down. Hide this beauty in the bushes in one of those little grassy islands in the parking lot, about halfway between where you park and the front door of the building. During your death march each morning, simply take a seat, wait for the pump to subside and continue on. The pain and corresponding huffing and puffing should be reduced by 50 percent by the time you pass the security guard and swipe your ID badge for entry to the building.

#9 EFS Super Heavy Wrist Wraps – Stop carpel tunnel before carpel tunnel stops you from properly squeezing the bench press bar. The constant mouse clicking required to switch computer screen content from whatever it is you are surfing online (where you spend 90 percent of your time) to the PowerPoint deck you are supposed to be revising for the 143^rd iteration (where you spend 10 percent of your time) is extremely demanding on your wrists. These wraps will ensure many years of pain-free screen-changing dexterity.

#10 Harness–All Action – I’m not exactly sure how this will ultimately be used, but it looks like it would come in handy back in the copy room with a certain temp from HR after a few too many drinks at the office Christmas party. Better get it just in case.