Testosterone. It’s concentrated manliness. The Big T is important for a lot of things, but especially things like getting swole and deadlifting entire scrapyards of iron. Naturally, most men are constantly in search of ways to boost their testosterone to car-smashingly superhuman levels. Don’t worry, because at EliteFTS, we got yo’ back!
First, let’s talk about what could be the #1 testosterone booster out there today. I’m referring, of course, to Taco-Drol. I first heard about Taco-Drol as a training tool when strongman Clint Darden mentioned it here in his training log. The glory of Taco-Drol is its variety. You can choose from carne asada, barbacoa, pastor, chicken, and plenty others. Depending on where you live, you may have access to the much loved -and hated- fish variant. In either case, there are few things that can produce a good bloat and a hormonal spike better than Taco-D. The key here is dosage. You want to be getting as much Taco-Drol in your system as possible leading up to a big PR attempt. According to Clint, “Take your bodyweight in kilograms, multiply by 1.5, and divide by 10. Round up to the nearest whole number and that is the minimum number of Taco-Drols to ingest in the 24 hours prior to the PR attempt.” As far as I know, the best way to use this substance is by oral ingestion, and if you can think of another way to get a taco in your system I don’t want to hear about it. Good places to score some high-quality Taco-Drol are Hispanic neighborhoods and/or mom and pop Mexican restaurants. For best results, supplement your dosage with some Guac or some Nachovar. Be wary of large-scale operations such as Taco Bell because even though they are a viable and inexpensive source of Taco-Drol, the quality of their product will often be far worse than the real thing, leaving you on the toilet for hours.
Pictured: The good stuff.
Another great way to really spike your Test levels is to only wear the finest threads. “Excuse me, but how do clothes raise my testosterone levels?” Ok, Mr. Nerdy Laboratory Scientist Guy, just take look at this shirt and tell me it won’t make you more of a man:
We’ll see your science, and raise you this shirt.
The good news for you is that you can get this shirt from us. Check it out. Chances are that if you wear this shirt while simultaneously putting into practice the other pieces of advice in this article, your testosterone levels will be so high that women around you will spontaneously become pregnant. EliteFTS may not have the science to back up this theory, but who needs it? Chandler Marchman (Swole Patrol!) is a big proponent of all things manly and recommends wearing this shirt while you do any of the following things:
- Wrestle alligators.
- Drink Diesel fuel (to get diesel, obviously; you are what you eat).
- Sneak up on sleeping kodiak bears and slap them in the face.
- Use Tabasco sauce as eyedrops.
- Play full-pads football with no helmet.
- Drink a shot of Dave Tate’s sweat (mixed with Spike, of course).
- Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.
Last, but certainly not least on the list of T-Boosters is beards. This is an obvious choice, but due to perceived societal constraints, many men are forgoing the beard in favor of a clean-shaven face. When growing a beard, make sure that you let it walk the line between wild and tame. You don’t want a beard that looks too maintained, because that just screams “try-hard hipster.” But on the other hand, a wild beard will probably scream “hobo.” A recent study showed that women who were ovulating and biologically ready to conceive a child were sub-consciously attracted to bearded, hairy men. Why? Because the lioness inside of her sees that beard and associates it with a prime male specimen. Your beard tells women that you’re the type of guy who wakes up, eats a bowl of rusty nails, puts on a flannel shirt, and goes to work at the junkyard tearing cars in half with your bare hands. And women like that, whether they know it or not. Keep in mind that while the full beard is ideal, there are other acceptable forms of dominant facial hair, like this example:
He may seem happy, but his muttonbeard is always pissed.
So give these methods a try. Even if your testosterone doesn’t spike like crazy, you’ll still have a belly full of tacos, a cool shirt on your back, and a killer beard on your face. You win either way!
Note: For God’s sake, this article is a joke. Taco-Drol is tacos. None of the stuff that Chandler, Clint, or I recommend in this article is proven to raise your testosterone levels. You should still do it though, because beards, tacos, and EFS merch are all good things that have been proven to make your life more awesome.
PDF 
The saddest thing about that epically awesome article is the necessity for the disclaimer at the end. I’ve been cycling on and off Taco-Drol since college, and it’s added 150 pounds to my deadlift. That, and a proportionally-increased budget for toilet paper.
Articles like this is the very reason why I continue to come back to this web site.
Beards rule.
Brother, you make me proud.
Taco-Drol… what lab makes that? A guy above me says it added 150lbs to his dead, I want some!
According to the calculation I need 19 tacos. That would be pretty badass and it makes sense that a new PR squat would be on the horizon.
It is time for the beard. I grow it every year. I am indestructable whilst bearding. I can only be killed by getting my head chopped off by another bearded manimal, similar to highlander.
Great article!!
I am a teenager and because i am stuipid I read all kinds of articles about test boosters and other supps that i hope to be magic but by far this is the BEST article i have read on it!
I like to stack taco-drol with burg-onate for big contests.
It’s a vicious circle. You get jacked up on Taco-Drol, which causes one to wear any kind of EFS or WSB t-shirt, which leads to listening to loud, heavy music, which then leads to setting a PR with a heavy weight, which brings us back to recovery with more Taco-Drol.
pathetic article
The efficacy of this plan comes in the fact that there’s a decent dealer in every rich neighborhood around here (Chipotle).
Also, that burly man/homeless man line is FINER than you think. Tread it carefully my friend. While women may appreciate virility, you can’t take them home to your cardboard box.
No! It’s not a joke. I go to Chipotle and get my taco-drol in barbacoa. It makes me all swole and happy. Awesome!
If I can find a Taco-Drol dealer 6,000 miles from the USA…anyone can!
When all else fails, home brew your own!
Don’t forget to stack Hotsaustanon w/ Taco-Drol for insane gains!
a heh a heh
a heh a herr
Can this taco-drol be taken in the form of a sipository? I feel that if it is received in that manner absorption will be optimized due to all of the blood vessels in that area. Any input is much appreciated. By the way you are fukin retarded and hilarious.
This is hilarious, thank you!!!
I have been working my way up the ladder on a huge cycle with taco-drol. It’s effectiveness is unmatched. I just hope its not habit forming because I started my two year old son on his first cycle today and later I had to kick his butt out of the Wal-mart because he was chucking kettle bells down the aisle at Christmas shoppers.
Freakin hilarious.
Best HM ever in my opinion.
Chipotle works! It has helped me tremendously…
No beard though…it will be grey anyways…