elitefts™ Sunday Edition
How Powerlifting Gave Me Life after Child Sex Abuse
Penn State Scandal
In the wake of the Penn State scandal, the media reports allegations concerning Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno, who were or might have been involved, how long it went on, how many kids were abused, and what recourse should be taken. Sadly, you never hear about the victims and how the rest of their lives were affected by the men who were supposed to protect them. The abuse didn’t end when the perpetrators were caught and arrested. For most, the abuse will never end and the ones who are lucky enough to reach out and get help will hopefully see an end to the abuse for them one day or become better equipped to handle the aftermath. My thoughts, love, hope, and support goes out to each kid who was abused.
My physical abuse began at the age of eight and stopped around the age of 11 or 12. I’m not exactly sure, as I have very little memory of my childhood. Growing up, basketball was my life. It was a passion that I loved very much. All I could think about at school was going home to pick up a basketball and play games with the neighborhood kids. There was a man who lived in my neighborhood who took notice. He was a well-respected coach and seemingly knew a great deal about the game. In the beginning, he would come up to me as I was shooting around and give me pointers. He would show me how to work on my left handed lay-ups, left handed shots, and fade-aways around the basket to increase the chance of scoring and also critique my defense.
After a few months of him helping, he asked me to go with him to a local training facility where adults play, so I could get better playing against people who were bigger and better than I was. I graciously agreed. Anytime I had the chance to play basketball, I took it. There were countless nights when my younger neighbor, Alex, and I would play until four in the morning with nothing more than a spotlight shining on my backboard.
When it Began
It wasn’t long after our trips to the training facility began, that the physical abuse started. I’m not sure what initiated it, or what gave him the idea – like I said, my memory of all the events, minus a few, are non-existent. At first, I didn’t know how to process the abuse. It wasn’t something that I wanted, but figured it was normal. After all, an adult you know and trust would never take advantage of a young child. Perhaps in a perfect world, but not the one we live in. The abuse continued until the summer after my seventh grade year. Even though I don’t think I quite knew that what was going on wasn’t normal, I knew I no longer wanted any part of it. One of the very few things I remember is running out of the house for the very last time. Maybe I remember it because it was the first time I felt liberated and had the power to make my own decision? I don’t know, but I remember it like it happened a few hours ago.
It took another year before the effects settled in. I thought and felt differently than others. My self-esteem and self-worth went down the drain. Other kids sensed my vulnerability and began to bully me. Being bullied wasn’t as frequent as what other kids dealt with, but at that age and time in my life, it was all too frequent. This kept going until my senior year of high school when my depression, stress, and complete disregard to appreciating being in this world was at an all time high. There were nights I would go to bed, praying not to wake up the next morning.
I was very skinny in high school, weighing 130 pounds at six feet tall. I wanted nothing more than to be taken from this world; a world that I felt betrayed by. A world that I felt didn’t give a shit about me. My parents, sister, and extended family loved and cared a great deal about me, but I was numb to the feeling of love and care. Sadly, I partially still am today. I found ways to stay busy and decided to start lifting weights since I wanted to be stronger and build a suit of armor to protect myself from further damage.
Addicted to Iron
After a few months, I became addicted to the iron. I always ran to the nearby Kroger and picked up the latest Flex magazine to learn something new. Lifting weights didn’t erase my past, but it did eliminate it from my thought process for a few hours and that meant the world to me. As I became stronger, my self-esteem and self-worth increased, but my view of the world hadn’t changed.
I spent the last 10 years training my ass off in the gym and the last five years competing in the sport of powerlifting. My physical strength increased dramatically. In 2001, I was one of the weakest boys graduating high school and now I cannot think of anyone in my graduating class who is stronger than me. Each battle in the gym that I get through increases my confidence and the ability to know that I can accomplish my battles outside the gym and overcome anything I set my mind to. Once I decide on doing something, it’s done – the only thing left is for others to watch it happen. I had a friend over the summer talk about going to Europe and sightseeing, but wasn’t sure if she would or not. Things like this make little sense to me. If I feel something is important or I want to accomplish, I go out and do it. I make a decision and stay the course.
I can confidently say that if it wasn’t for powerlifting and music (music is also a huge part of my life because I could always relate to the anger and brutality in the sounds of metal), I wouldn’t be here today. Both gave me the strength I needed to move past the wretched life I used to live. I was one of the lucky survivors that found a passion to lift me up and allow me to develop the mental strength in order to move forward. Many victims don’t find that passion and unfortunately, some of those victims have removed themselves from this world
Serious Matter
Child sex abuse is a very serious matter. The extent of the effects are severe and damn near paralyzing. It changes how you view yourself, how you view the world, your friendships, relationships; it changes everything. There isn’t an hour that goes by when I don’t think about what happened. I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if it never happened. Would I be married, have kids, have a career and be enjoying life? As contradicting as this may seem, I wouldn’t change anything. I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for and I’m fortunate to have them in my life. I gained a great deal of mental strength from the experiences I had to deal with. If for nothing else, it puts things into perspective. I remember a few years ago when I was pulled over, the cop that gave me the ticket was perplexed by how unfazed I was. He was used to people trying to get out of the ticket. I replied back, that if me getting a ticket is the worst thing that happens today, then it was a good day.
First Reason
This article was written for two reasons. First, elitefts™ gets hundreds of thousands, if not millions of hits every month, and out of that, who knows how many people are fighting the same battle I and many others are fighting. Perhaps if I read an article like this a few years ago, maybe I would’ve got the ball rolling instead of waiting until now? Many men do not know how to go about getting help. After all, we are “men” and “men” do not ask for help. This is wrong. Do not have this mentality. I used to think like that and felt that over time, everything would go away. It won’t. Trust me. My first recommendation is to pick up a book and read it. Victims No Longer by Mike Lew is a great start, but beware, as it is brutal. If you have anyone that you trust and feel you can open up to as you read, do so. My anger would soar through the roof and I have the dents on the side of my refrigerator to prove it. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you find out your abilities in sustaining relationships, trusting people, openly expressing how you feel in a positive manner, showing emotions, and having faith in humanity, have been taken away. These are just a few of the common characteristics among CSA survivors. Second, I’d recommend talking to a therapist. You can go to MaleSurvivor.org to see a list of recommended therapists. MaleSurvivior.org also has a fantastic forum to read and ask questions regarding CSA. I fought with going to a therapist for a long time, but looked myself in the mirror one afternoon and called myself out on my own bullshit. If after 20 years nothing has changed, who am I to believe things will be any different the next 20 years? I have an enormous amount of inner rage that I need to rid myself of and I refuse to allow myself to continue to live like this. There’s nothing wrong or weak about seeking therapy and learning how to move forward. I screwed up enough relationships in the past to know that not only does this effect me, but it effects those closest to me.
Second Reason
The second reason for me writing this is that it is my “coming out.” By coming out, I mean this was a secret for the past 20 years that less than a handful of people knew about. And the ones that do know, don’t know any of the details because it’s not the easiest topic to discuss. If you’re a husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, or have any relationship to someone who was abused, just let them talk. Listening and showing support is all that will be asked of you. My family and closest friends have no idea what my childhood consisted of and it makes things very difficult when you feel that you have no one to open up to. Sometimes we’re told that it’s in the past and we need to move on, but those words are said by people who have no idea on the effects of CSA. When someone told me that, I asked her to imagine leaving work one night, walking to her car, only to be brutally attacked and raped. Now imagine that happening once or twice a week for the next three years. How easy would it be to trust another person? How easy would it be to just move on as if nothing happened? You can’t. It’s humanly impossible. You have to come to terms and accept what happened, seek help, and know that you can move forward and lead a productive and healthy life.
If you lift weights to try and rid yourself of the anger and resentment towards a lewd act committed against you, then keep lifting weights, but also look at the deeper issue. Do it for yourself and your family. I read about how many families have been torn apart due to CSA and it deeply saddens me, but I also refuse to become a part of that statistic. I’m not married, but if I’m fortunate enough to one day have a family, I’ll know for certain that I carry the tools to not allow CSA to impact my marriage.
Doing Nothing
A tragic thing happened to me when I was a kid and it would be even more tragic if I did nothing about it. It would be equally tragic for those who are suffering the same fate, did nothing about it either. Take a stand and tell yourself that you won’t carry this burden any longer. We may not have full control over our future, but we at least have one hell of a say in where we go. You cannot continue to allow yourself to be paralyzed from the fear of moving forward with your life. Don’t be afraid to fail. If you’re afraid to fail, you won’t push yourself to move past this. Trust and believe in yourself, and know that you can succeed in all aspects of life.
In closing, I’d like to thank my mom, dad, my sister Jaime, Brian Adams, Zach Fitzwater, T.K. Saunders, Stephen Bias, Chewy, Jim Wendler, Sean Donegan, and Will Ramsey. These people are like brothers and mean the world to me…and a reason why I am still here. Life is far from easy right now, but I’m very optimistic about the future because of the people I chose to surround myself with. I also want to thank God for helping me when I needed it most. Many prayers went unanswered, but the one I needed most, he gave. I am beyond grateful for finding the iron and the many lessons it taught me. I will forever be a part of training, getting stronger, and appreciating each and every lesson it teaches me.
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Ghandi
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Man, this hits home, hard. I am a CSA survivor, by the person who brought me into this world nonetheless. It’s hard to grasp, for me, the thought even to this day, 13 years after. I have almost completely made myself forget anything from 12 under. Each and every day, it gets better, but the damage has been done, which can never be fully healed. It’s hard to fathom that someone else knows what it’s like, but after reading this Corey, I feel somewhat more grounded. Thank you for writing this man. Live well and happy.
wow. it’s so impressing. even if i thankfully didn’t suffer the torment that you did , i was bullied as a kid and can relate to past experiences of poor self-esteem and such . but you suffered far greater and tougher things than me . wow you are a fucking inspiration man , believe me you impressed me to tears. Congratulations for turning your life around and beating your demons !!!!!!!
Courageous and excellent. Much respect
damn man, very brave of you to write this article, im sorry this happened to you but im glad you found your self worth again and you are living life again.
Wow. You have more courage than most of us can ever dream to have. I admire you.
Extraordinary courage to write this. I hope you find some peace and happiness.
It takes an unbelievable amount of strength to write an article like this. You’re an inspiration to a lot of people. Keep fighting man, thanks for writing this.
Thank you.
POWERFUL STUFF brother wow
I was abused by my mom until I was 7. Thanks man for being open about this. I can echo everything said about remembering my childhood and low self worth. I didn’t even really address anything until about 5 1/2 years ago when I got sober. I rcan emember thinking when I was a kid if I could make myself fat so she would leave me alone because then I would be ugly. Now a lot of the emotional scars have healed (books, therapy, and God) and I’m using powerlifting to take care of the physical ie being fat. Also not looking to food for comfort. Thanks for your courage in putting this out there. Overcoming CSA makes us strong(er). Thanks again for the encouragement!
You’ve done an amazing thing by sharing this article, Corey. You’ll never fully know the good you’ve done by speaking up. I’m proud to know you and call you a friend. xo
This took balls to write. Keep fighting the good fight, you are an inspiration!
True strength and mental tenacity.
So much respect for you Corey.
Thank you all for the comments – I appreciate them more than you will know.
Jeff, thank you for sharing your story. I noticed you said that you feel you can never fully be healed. If I can offer some advice, it’s to never have that view towards your progress. By saying you will never be fully healed, you have already set a limit to how much you will recover. Never compromise on something like this. Never. Set your goals high, go after them, and refuse to accept anything less. Life is too short to accept mediocre. I will never settle for anything less than complete happiness, and you should not either.
Scott, I’m glad to hear you took it upon yourself to move forward. That speaks volumes about your character.
Thanks Juliet and Jon!
Powerful article. It’s a heavy cross to bear. Best wishes on your journey.
I have some very close friends that have went through sexual abuse as children. Thanks for having the courage to share your story to help others.
I’m so proud of you, brother. I believe the Lord will do great things in your life.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
I met Corey at my first powerlifting event in October. He was a very down to earth guy and could tell that he had his head on straight. I obviously had no idea about his past but that is incredibly inspiring how someone can use powerlifting to help overcome a horrible event like child abuse.
I didn’t know you knew Bryan Adams! See you next weekend, brother.
Man as I read this it almost seemed like something I could have wrote myself. I didn’t tell anybody about what happened to me until I was in my mid 20′s, and I had honestly blocked a lot of it out and then one day my wife and I were watching some movie and it totally triggered all the memories of what happened. I felt so weak, but luckily I was able to fight through it and tell people. Telling someone is definately the hardest part as you feel like they are gonna judge you. The weights are always what have made me feel safe. Great writing man, it really hit home.
Incredible, life story. Takes so much courage and strength, to survive what you went through. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes, you’re an amazing inspiration!
Thanks for posting this Corey. It’s a great piece of work, and an awesome and (hopefully) inspiring story for so many people that would otherwise be lost. I’m glad you found your way post CSA; glad you found the iron and the help you needed.
Keep doing work, and know you’ve probably saved many, many lives with this article.
Respect.
Corey you are awesome and I love you man! Excellent! I know what it took for you to write this! I applaud you as a fellow CSA victim and even more for being a leader to so many! Soft spoken giantism is what this is. Thank you!
This story makes my heart bleed.
It must be a gruesome burden to carry and I sympathize deeply.
Your physical strength is nothing compared to your emotional strength in sharing this. So many of us who have no clue about this can certainly learn from your story how to possibly spot a situation that isn’t right or someone who needs help.
What your article is doing for others who suffered this horror is generous and touching beyond words. You are a Good Man, Corey; a Very, Very Good Man.
Just Please tell me that piece of sh*t that did this is either dead or in prison.. I am sorry to hear this happened to you
Sad story but unfortanley its all to common nowdays In my country Australia its a very big problem here myself and my father experienced some form of child molestation by strangers but not to the degree of the author. Goverments all around the world need to take there heads out of there arse and better manage this issue these people are born mentally disturbed or been victims them selves no amount of prison time is going to breed this out. We need to chemically castrate these people no bullshit and invent drugs so they no longer feel a need of sexual desire of young children and do pain staking research to find out why these people are attracted to young children find the root of the problem and hopefully one day rid the world of this filth.
I have never experienced CSA myself, and thank god for that, but I was bullied all my school years, from 3rd grade up to high school and can totally relate to many of the feelings and passions you are describing. For me too, Iron and Metal music became salvation, and today I am a confident young man, though my experiences still haunts me from time to time.
Thank you for this article!
Corey, I have dealt with the same, and 32 years later I can say it does get easier, you do accept it and heal although the scars are still there. If you see the scar, and you see someone about to touch it, you know you will wince… That’s half the battle man. Accept who you are, know that it was some sick f*ck and that the event had nothing to do with you. You are a victim, and God will heal you. Lifting helps build the protection, and make you confident that it will never happen again. I can say that (being a dad) if some one ever did that to my son, the fucker will be in a meat grinder. If you do take the path of being a dad, I’m sure you will love your kids more than you can imagine, and will build an emotional discipline and strength someone who hasn’t suffered will not know to the same degree. God bless you man.
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Inner strength shines brighter than the Sun. Very powerful.
Great post! Thank you for sharing your story, you are a great example and many people should admire your mental strength! Keep on lifting, keep on living!
Very touching piece. I wish you luck for all your endeavours.
Incredibly courageous. Stay strong.
I can’t imagine the will it took to write this article, but I have an immense respect for you dealing with this and striving to get past it, something that some victims are never able to do.
Powerful.
The one good thing that has come out from the Penn State scandal is the increased awareness of child abuse of any kind. Thank you Corey for stepping up and doing right by writting this artilce. Also thank you to all who have stepped up and posted their comments here. You are touching lives, whenever you take action to show support and awareness.
We live in a morally dark world these days. I am new to this web site and glad to be a part of it. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your experience and demonstrating your deep inner strength to us.
Thanks for standing up for yourself and many others in writing this. Very powerful bro! You have helped so many in this community for writing this, probably more than you’ll ever know. Thanks again.
I definitely admire your strength and your perspective on faith and life. I don’t know what your lifts are, but I see a solid ton of courage and maturity
Great article, glad you found at least partitial peace with yourself if not whole peace. God bless you.
Much respect for writing the article. You have some clankers. It brought back memories I have hidden. For me it was single incidence of rape – submit or die. the shame , the fear, the betrayal and later the rage. 40 years later, multiple marriages, addicitons, an inability to be close with others even when I wanted to do so. finding some sort of peace, some sort of absolution in the gym – building the armor to protect myself. Now I am on a path of sobriety, therapy. It wasn’t my fault just like it wasn’t your fault. Childhood innocence stolen. From therapy I have learned I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones. later victims of this predator were killed after he did them. Still I am healing. the rage is less – is easier to control but still can be triggered.
Thanks for writing the article, it’s helping me to heal.
Well done in writing this. I am deeply impressed by your honesty and courage. Your willingness to share your vulnerability and distress allows me to remember my own childhood sadnesses and to remember that my brothers and sisters in iron might carry similar burdens . You have opened up an important topic here. Much respect.
Hi Corey,
Corey, great article…that took allot of courage. I too was a victim of CSA and extreme verbal abuse. I have now passed 50 years of life and I still struggle with the demons – failed relationships, lack of trust, etc. I have been involved in power sports every since I was in high school – powerlifting, kick boxing, Judo, BJJ, football, javelin. I think I went in that direction as an outlet for my anger…kept me grounded. However, what helped me most was being able to talk to others, to open up. Anyway, I am happy to see this article. This will be helpful to many who struggle with CSA and abuse in general.
If you see Will, tell him that I said hey.
Corey- Tremendous thanks for sharing Brother. As a survivor, I can relate to the fear, confusion, sense of abandonment and largely the rage. Until this moment I didn’t connect my love for the iron with the CSA. We live in a fallen world so I’ve come to expect the depravity of a Sandusky but it still shocks me to the core. We shall continue to overcome. Keep fighting the good fight.