Attention Everyone Who Has Ever Wanted to Gain Massive Size
I’ve got some training advice for you—your program sucks! That’s right—your program sucks so bad that it blows! And you know what? Your diet does, too!
Are you tired of lame ass promises without results? I bet you are! Keep reading for the secret of how to:
- Slap on metric shit tons of muscle!
- Burn fat at super high mega-atomic rates!
- Chase down any prey by developing monstrous speed!
- Become the apex predator at your gym!
So what is this secret that will change your life and turn you into a God among men?
It’s the revolutionary new training program brought to you by one of the greatest minds in fitness. And it’s inspired by the greatest, most brutal physique of all time! It’s literally been 65 million years in the making!
Tyrannosaur training!
The Tyrannosaurus Rex is the ultimate Adonis. His name literally means tyrant lizard king! This training program will use his secrets to bring you the body and raw athleticism you’ve always wanted but never dreamed of obtaining.
From the desk of T-Rex Tex:
Dear Friend,
My name is T-Rex Tex, and I’ve networked myself into the Twitter feeds and web pages of hundreds of our top web skilled strength trainers. If you’re fed up with being a limp wristed pussy, this is the most important piece of writing you’ll ever read. Because my Tyrannosaur Training program will make you the opposite of the fat, disgusting wad of lard and sputum you currently are. Don’t believe me? Check out these testimonials and then hate yourself for being stupid and worthless and not trusting me.
But what if you’re a delicate lady piece of sex meat? Well, don’t worry because I’m a man and I not only know the universal set of physical traits that make women sexy, I know how to make you look that way!
The amazing story of how I discovered Tyrannosaur Training!
Ten years ago, I was like you—bent, broken, and weak from doing all those exercises and training programs that never got me anywhere. My back and shoulders were a wreck. But if you had told me that there was a way other than “squat/bench/dead,” I would’ve called you crazy. If you had asked me to reconsider pull-ups, I would’ve punched you in the nuts.
Then one day it hit me—I was the crazy one.
You see, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results [i]. I had spent years under the bar and years on the treadmill, track, and hills. I needed something different. My neck and legs still felt good, so I began training only them. And as I did, I felt…different. Like I was becoming something…else. Something strong. Something powerful.
Then it all clicked for me. I was walking home at night when I was cornered by a mugger. Normally, I would’ve just handed my wallet over, but this time I didn’t. I looked at him and I roared. The mugger was so scared that he ran away.
The truth was though, I was scared myself. You see, I’d felt the Tyrannosaur within me. At that moment, I knew I’d discovered something special. I left behind my mundane existence as a software debugger and devoted myself to creating the new field of paleontological training. As my studies progressed, I realized that the evolutionary track of predatory dinosaurs was such that while subsequent species grew larger in total mass, their behaviors and biology exhibited four distinct complementary trends.
Though I didn’t realize it yet, I had accidentally discovered the four Mesozoic laws of massive muscle:
1st Law—Train for the kill: How’d Tyrannosaurus Rex get so big? He never worked his chest and arms! Obvious, isn’t it? If he had spent time working his arms, he never would’ve gained massive size. Tyrannosaur Training devotes your workout to the most intense leg and neck work you’ve ever experienced!
2nd Law—Carnosaur cardio: Tired of boring treadmills and pointless circuit routines? Carnosaur Cardio is your solution! Rather than stupid human cardio, Carnosaur Cardio has you get in touch with your inner saurian—by chasing down and killing your food! That’s right—Tyrannosaur training makes you a real predator!! No weapons allowed—I’ll teach you the secrets of the neck breaking kill bite and the crippling spine stomp. Best of all, Carnosaur Cardio causes Raptorburn where your body burns calories for hours after you finish training!
3rd Law—Dino diet: Wanna grow like a Tyrannosaur? You gotta eat like one!!! Tyrannosaur Training requires that you eat up to 10 pounds of raw meat every day. And it’s Tyrannosaur style, so no utensils allowed!
4TH Law—Scientific supplementation: You might be thinking, “Hey, T-Rex Tex, how can I ensure that I have the saurian-specific nutrient blends that Tyrannosaurus Rex had?” That’s a great question! The answer is TRICERATIN 523XXX. TRICERATIN 523XXX is a highly bioactive super-amino-loaded isolate of the purest fossilized insect digestive contents around. We’ve literally sampled hundreds of tons of amber and millions of blood-sucking insects to make sure that you have the finest partially digested dinosaur blood around! Each ounce of TRICERATIN 523XXX is guaranteed to contain at least 50% high-grade Triceratops blood!!!
You see, today’s scientists are so focused on human research and studies that they’ve missed a far more elegant solution—remove humans from the human problem and replace it with dinosaurs! I’ve studied dinosaurs so much that I’m now a paleontologist. Of course, these aren’t just my laws for becoming the beast you’ve always wanted to be—they’re scientifically proven!!!![ii],[iii]
But don’t take the word of some lab weenies for it. We all know white coats don’t know shit about massive size.
Here are more testimonials:
I know you’re excited, but I have to be completely honest and tell you that Tyrannosaur Training isn’t for everyone!! It is only for the most dedicated, hardcore, and primal athletes. If you are, then keep reading because I’m offering Tyrannosaur Training at the ultra extreme low price of…$599.99!!!!!!!
If you hesitate at this price, Tyrannosaur Training is not for you. To get in on this system at only $599.99 truly is a very rare value, so rare that it’s almost extinct!!
You see, while the four Mesozoic laws of massive muscle are enough to get your training started, you need all my secret knowledge to get their full benefit. I’ve dedicated my entire life to bringing the training secrets of extinct theropods to my fellow hominids, and all of this work can be found in my Tyrannosaur Training System.
Here are the six components you get when you order Tyrannosaur Training:
Component 1, Tyrannosaur Training—The Ultimate Training Program ($800 value): Twelve weeks of cutting-edge Cretaceous training that’s jam-packed with super-saurian exercises.
Component 2, Workout Log Sheets ($60 value): These customized log sheets are tailor-made to ensure your continuing success.
Component 3, TRICERATIN 523XXX ($1,500 value): A full month’s supply of TRICERATIN 523XXX guaranteed to potentiate your training gains and maximize your maximization of massive, maximal muscle!!!
Component 4, Tyrannosaur Training Reference Cards ($50 value): These portable workout cards allow you to Tyrannosaur Train while on the go. They’re made out of ultra-high quality laminated cardstock.
Component 5, Bite Harness ($100 value): This custom built tool uses gravity, leverage, and external loading to develop massive neck and jaw muscles. You can’t find it anywhere else!!!!
Component 6, Online Exercise Index ($300 value): I’ve made sure you have instant access to over two dozen exercises and techniques for becoming the ultimate Tyrannosaur.
That’s a $3,000 value for just $599.99!!!!!
Still not convinced? Order before the holidays and I’ll include an awesome bonus…a limited edition, faux dinosaur skin carrying case valued at $500!!!!
So what are you waiting for? Unleash your inner monster and buy Tyrannosaur Training!!!!
Sincerely,
T-Rex Tex, CSCS, MS, Paleontologist
PS: Don’t hesitate!!!! Tyrannosaurus Rex never waited for a handout. He ran it down and ripped its guts out!!!
PPS: I’ve included a handy Q&A just in case you have a few more questions before mailing me your money.
Q&A
Q: What if Tyrannosaur Training doesn’t work for me?
A: Then you didn’t follow the program to the letter. I haven’t spent decades perfecting Tyrannosaur Training just to have a slack-jawed fucktard muck and muddle my work. Get hardcore and get with the program.
Q: I’m new to training, but I don’t want to waste my time on an ineffective, human-based training program. Can I jump right into Tyrannosaur Training?
A: You sure can! You see, I’ve designed a series of self-checking autonomous variables to make sure that people of all athletic levels can participate in Tyrannosaur Training.
Q: I’m not a paleontologist and I can clearly tell that this entire program is a pile of garbage. This program is just basic training axioms that have been corrupted with horrific pop science, terrible fitness concepts, and a blatant misrepresentation of quoted literature. You just took something and polished it with a turd solely for the purposes of marketing differentiation.
A: If you look at my program from a distance and have a Philistine’s understanding of paleontology, you may come up with this misguided opinion. Anyone who is familiar with coelurosaur evolution, particularly forelimb morphology and the associated trends in tyrannosaurid growth vis-a-vis predation habits and concentration of herbivores and corresponding habitats will surely conclude otherwise. As you said, you’re not a paleontologist, so you are incapable of evaluating my theories. Thank you for warning me in advance of your handicap in this regard. Ass hat.
*This is a satire article, and not intended to be real. It is just for your humor and entertainment purposes!
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[i] The dictionary.
[ii] Kendall, JA (2011) The physical enhancement regime ‘Tyrannosaur Training’ is entirely ineffective and leads to salmonella. Clinical Exercise and Diet 5:22.
[iii] Roberts, ML 2011) Novel supplement ‘Triceratin 523XXX’ is largely sawdust and rat droppings. Journal of Nutrition 1: 23.
PDF 
T-Rex Tex is the innovator behind Tyrannosaur Training. He has literally coached tens of people over the past decade, and provided online training to thousands via his forum posts and article comments. 
This reads EXACTLY like all the muscle gaining ebook pages I’ve seen. Maybe this will make those authors see just how stupid their promotions really are.
I’ve got a bad back, can I substitute the T-Rex Squats for Velociraptor Lunges?
Jessie was the Gov. of Minnesota, not Michigan. Point taken thou…
great, best fitness satire I read since Tnation’s Indigo.
Someone has entirely too much time on their hands.
Program looks sound to me. Where can I order? It’s not on the site yet.
PS. Ventura was the governor of Minnesota.
Crap! I didn’t see the bit about this being a satire until after I started eating my cat….alive. Ooops.
I couldn’t stop laughing when I was reading this article. Brilliant satire.
My training partner and I often joke about e-books and their promises. We joke about how they always say you are getting a great deal, and basically parody the entire process. But this article is better than any satire we’ve come up with. Very good work.
If I do Tyrannosaur Training 2-a-days along with 5/3/1, CrossFit, and full contact ballet is it still Tyrannosaur Training?
@ oOo I agree, there are some connections to Indigo but when I read this I swear it must come from the “I, Bodybuilder” program.
Spoiler alert – no push-ups in this plan. T-rex hates them.
wow way to copy verbatim the principles of Velociraptor training and pass it off as something new.
Hilarious….. Has anyone contacted asking where to buy?
http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/most_recent/6_weeks_to_superhero_how_i_build_muscle_and_strip_off_fat_fast
The irony is undeniable
I let you guys know about a training program that’ll change your life, and I get jokesters, cynics, and a buncha slack-jawed geography nerds lecturing me about shitty northern states nobody cares about. To everyone else who’s seen the light: don’t let these fools drag you down.
Ryan: I actually prescribe Spinosaur Split Squats in this situation. You can find the video in the Online Exercise Index, and the dorsal sail attachment will be available soon for purchase.
JJ: The full-contact ballet might tide you over if you’re having problems finding prey animals for Carnosaur Cardio–just make sure to limit your arm use, and find a kitten or rabbit giveaway ASAP. You can forget that other crap, though–it won’t come close to what you’ll get from TT.
@ Andrew I wouldn’t criticize a program just b/c it’s an ebook. In today’s digital age this is becoming a more common delivery format than paper-based publications. There are plenty of quality ebook training programs, e.g. I doubt you’d find many people who think 5/3/1 doesn’t deliver on its claims to be effective and well worth the cost.
I am confused. Is this a serious article?
Did my co-workers put some liquid LSD in the water cooler…..?
@ Brian K I’m guessing you missed the part at the end that said “*This is a satire article, and not intended to be real. It is just for your humor and entertainment purposes!
I noted in the citations that the Triceratin 523XXX’ is largely sawdust and rat droppings. If I wanted to make my own is there a certain type of tree or particular breed of rat we need to use. Do we need to feed the rats any particular sort of diet to get them to produce the right droppings. I have been feeding my rats creatine hoping to make their droppings more potent.
The final Q of the Q and A sounds eerily similar to Crossfit and their affiliates i.e. Crossfit endurance.
“Here’s a minute piece of evidence, lets draw an encyclopedia worth of conclusions from it, say it’s undeniable science and use a small sample of people who have been using it for less than a year as evidence of its proof!”
I LOVED this article. I was at the doctors office for x-rays and everyone was looking at the giant bald freak laughing hysterically at his cell phone. I’m so sharing this article!
@Augie, you are correct. I hope I didn’t come across as being anti-ebooks. There are some very good ebooks (5/3/1 and Under the Bar are great examples). I personally have several ebooks, mostly from EliteFTS. But I only get them from sites (and authors) that I trust. It is harder to be deceived by the hype when you can leaf through the pages yourself. Unfortunately, some people get hyped into buying these “T-Rex type programs” when what they really need to do is SFW.
I’m sorry, but this article was so dumb I can’t believe EFS agreed to post it.
This is genius.
Brilliant. Now I just need a dietitian, a trainer and a cave woman!
Cycle in some circa max shake weight training and you pretty much have the whole package.
Seriously….
Tyrannosaur training is just a rip off of the much earlier (around 100 million years) Allosaurus Awesomeness program.
T-rex Tex is just jumping on the bandwagon and stealing ideas without even quoting their original source.
For Shame…….
Absolutely brilliant. I take the author wants a job at T-nation writing their new supplement/training program articles
Don’t get your panties in a bunch Jay. They post plenty of quality content, let them and the readers have a little fun.
Thanks to all of you for your interest–I haven’t even had to post lots of individual posts, create fake accounts, or get my fans from other forums to come over and bombard the message board to make me look better. Now to your questions:
Dub: You did the world a favor, no doubt.
Bonescollector: That Velociraptor idiocy is actually what someone ripped off from my posts on the old GAWDZOFGUNZ bodybuilding forums. The program is pseudo-science masquerading as a legit program. It’s a raft sequiturs and malapropisms set adrift by poor reading comprehension on a sea of false generalizations.
Brian K: I can tell you firsthand that genius and regular ingestion of LSD are very similar.
Jack: That study was a flawed piece of crap that used horrific metrics and analysis tools; its only redeeming facet was the test result showing that TRICERATIN 523XXX undeniably sparked key hormones in test subjects. I can guarantee you that TRICERATIN 523XXX is made from the highest quality fossilized culicidae and ixodidae.
Jay: I can’t believe it, either. EFS took a huge risk by publishing something that threatens to shift the very paradigm on which its business is built.
Hollywood: An arm-focused device like the Shake Weight actually defeats the purpose of Tyrannosaur Training. I’d never recommend it.
Trent: Let the Paleolith weaklings have their cave women, and their sad lives as hairy hunter-gatherers.
Dan: The Allosaur was an inferior and less-evolved carnivore. I’d just as soon use Weider Principles. Speaking of Weider, I have it on good authority that the old coot was about to steal T-Rex Training from me before he kicked the bucket.
@Augie – I sure did.
@T-Rex – You watch too much liberal media. They’ve been pushing that non-sense since Steve Jobs mentioned how LSD opened up his mind at a young age.
However, I do like how you poke fun at all of the lame ass programs out there like CrossDressFit with this article. Watered down political correct, vaginal programs that appeal to the sorry masses make me sick.
Speaking of Weider Principles, I understand you’re going to sponsor a “T-Rex” bodybuilding show, focusing on MASSIVE glutes, hams & quads and ignoring the upper body. My inside source tells me that the winner’s trophy will be a T-Rex statue with an ENORMOUS erection, topped with your head and a mouthful of menacing fangs, dripping blood. Also, I hear the winner will receive a “Texus” automobile, which is similar to a Flintstone mobile except it has a battering ram affixed to the front, spikes protruding from the wheels, and a T-Rex hood ornament.
I am a huge supporter of T Rex Training, and I am offering a 25% discount on physical therapy services for those who complete the entire program and have nagging injuries due to their own inner weakness coming out. Please make sure to provide a quality certificate that can be presented at the time of service, b/c I certainly don’t want the pansies who dropped out coming here as patients.
well ,this and the 6 Weeks to Superhero How I Build Muscle and Strip Off Fat – FAST! by Christian Thibaudeau & Indigo 3G bull>@% are very familiar LOL
@ Moose, apparently you do too. You read it.
@ Nick…WRONG! I read the first two paragraphs and then skimmed to the bottom. Took me less than 45 seconds which was time I’ll never get back.
THIS ARTICLE IS AMAZING!!! I LOVE IT
I need help getting jacked so I’m ordering Tyrannosaur Training twice!!! So I can be twice the size of any T-REX!!!
Hahahahaha, T-rex tex thanks for an amazing article. I love it.
Where do I send my money? I’m ready to get f’ing prehistoric brother!
WxHerk: Think bigger…
Ann: You’ll be very interested in my forthcoming certification program for personal trainers. Only $5,000 for an intense three-hour online webinar, plus very reasonable recertification dues.
Andrew: I don’t want to mislead you with false hope…but that’s almost certain to happen, provided you follow my guidelines to the letter.
AWESOME!!! This is just the edge I was looking for!
Wow, this is just what I’ve been waiting for! No wonder I’m not huge yet. And only $599, I’ll take 8! There have been some pesky triceratops nulling around my back yard, I’m sure this program will turn me into the beast I need to be to get rid of them. RRRAAARRR!
Can you answer me this. What if my body type does not match the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Can you suggest a modifications that would suit someone with a triceratops body?
Freakin’ hilarious! Thanks!
best Article this year!