5 Gifts Sure to Drive Your Neighbors Nuts

I can’t remember the last time I lived next door to anyone I could stand. I’m sure somewhere in the world is a neighborhood where people borrow cups of sugar, have friendly conversations over their beautiful fences, and have block parties where everyone wears pastel-colored shirts and khaki shorts. I’ve never lived there.

Here’s a quick and dirty list of my last few neighbors:

• Crazy redneck who glared at his dog for hours, yelled at his wife for being too fat to get up when she fell in the bathroom, and threw possessions out of windows when arguing with her.
• Family of approximately 50, one of whom operated a tow truck company and only worked after 2AM and over 200 decibels.
• Creepy Italian immigrant who would show up unannounced and ask me out to lunch with shocking regularity.

If that level of batshit sounds familiar, then you too, probably are halfway to attaching booster rockets to your house so you can blast off to a planet where people don’t blast techno music out of their 1997 Nissan Maximas in the driveway. However, here’s the deal:

Even if you wanted to, you probably couldn’t match your worst neighbor’s level of craziness.

You don’t have it in you. What are you supposed to do when you reach your limit and want to strike back against the nutjobs you share a property line with?

Use your own insanity, that’s how. One company, elitefts™, knows that you’re insane for training, so they humbly offer five products for your revenge.

The Prowler

For most of you reading this, there’s no greater symphony than the sounds of the Prowler’s feet scraping over asphalt. It’s a song of incomparable beauty that moves to the beat of your gasps for air and grunts of agony. Your neighbors, however, won’t share your appreciation for the cacophony. Imagine it: 7AM and your neighbor still is sleeping soundly. He had a late night of screaming at his television and testing his car alarm, so he’s out cold. All of a sudden, from outside his window, he hears an ear-splitting 15 seconds of metal on concrete, followed by another 15 seconds, and another. The only thing moving the Prowler and the mountain of iron stacked on top of it is you, a sweaty, grunting, cursing mess that’s pounding the ground like a bison with each step. As far as your bleary-eyed neighbor knows, someone is being raped inside a cement truck in his front yard.

As you heave and spew your breakfast onto his shrubbery, you can bask in the satisfaction that you’ve given your annoying neighbor a lasting lesson on how real noise is made.

The Texas Power Bar

I’m thankful for every day I’ve moved past apartment living. People living in boxes all stacked up together is a property manager’s dream, but if you’re one of the box-dwellers, it’s a less than ideal proposition. For one thing, the assholes of the world who manage to get the ground floor apartments apparently keep them for a lifetime and bequeath them to their children. Thus, the rest of us are left hauling sleeper sofas and flat screens up three flights of stairs that are narrower than the average personal trainer’s thigh. That wouldn’t even be so bad if the first-floor aristocracy didn’t have more sensitive ears than the love child of Will Smith and a high-end directional microphone. Woe unto the second-floor resident who walks through his own home with shoes on, or sits down on his couch with too much gusto. For when he does, out comes the broomstick handles to oh-so-subtly remind you that whatever the person below him is doing, it’s FAR too important to be disrupted by the sound of footsteps.

Luckily, you have something far mightier than a broomstick with which to fight back. Grab the Texas Power Bar, load it up with 495 pounds, rep out some deads, and re-calibrate what the mole rat under your feet considers “too loud.” With construction standards in modern apartment complexes being what they are, odds are good that you will smash a respectably-sized hole clear down to your neighbor’s potpourri-laced bathroom. Feel free to take this opportunity to use the sturdy, seven-foot Texas Power Bar as your own personal broomstick, and poke your new No. 1 fan on top of his pointy cranium to remind you that you shouldn’t be interrupted mid-set.

Bear Crawl

As we get older, we care more about our lawn. It’s inevitable. Some days, nothing seems more appealing than standing in your front yard with the hose, watering every inch and watching the world go by, Hank Hill style. Something about an immaculately manicured fescue speaks to the kind of person that lives in that house, saying, “This person cares. This person understands the importance of maintaining and caring for his possessions.”

Alas, many of our neighbors don’t share our obsession. Maybe they’re too young. Maybe they think they’re too busy. Maybe they have a secret fantasy where they’re one of the gang from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and want to live in a world where the blades of grass are like skyscrapers and they can learn important life lessons while befriending a giant ant. Regardless of the underlying reason for it, it plain out looks like shit, and you have to deal with it every day.

Well, elitefts™ fully encourages lending your neighbor a hand, even if he doesn’t ask for it. The Bear Crawl offers a fantastic method by which you can get a solid conditioning session and smash down some of that pesky waist-high grass for your favorite buddy next door. You could even use the Bear Crawl’s solid steel rectangular frame for clearing out very large, legible messages in long vegetation. Maybe your neighbor is a fan of rap music, or maybe he loves NWA. What better way to show you care than scraping out “FUCK THE POLICE” for him in 10-foot letters?

Gill Training Throwing Weights

Look, most of us love kids. Kids are a blessing and a joy to be around…for the most part. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about the little hellions that run rampant in most neighborhoods. These aren’t adorable toddlers. These aren’t teenage girls with no social lives that lock themselves in their rooms. No,  these are boys aged 8-15, or as I have dubbed them “The Destroyers.” Something about boys this age make it so they are incapable of touching anything without shattering it into a million pieces. Anything thrown goes through a window. Every aimless, inattentive step leads them right into a plasma television or a crystal heirloom. Even worse, their parents laugh it off with half-hearted apologies and say, “You know how they are at that age!”

Bullshit. Cut me a check for my dented garage door.

Finally, you have a tool at your disposal to wreak some “accidental” havoc. Your 35 pound Gill Throwing Weight just flew through the wall of your neighbor’s pool cabana. “Whoops! I was so focused on winning the upcoming Highland Games, that I totally forgot to not destroy your son’s personal porn warehouse!” Your wife tossed the 20 pound weight into the PTA president’s minivan. “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe that happened! I didn’t even think it would be there because it usually isn’t in that spot! I guess your boy, Jack, parked it in a different spot after borrowing it from you at 2AM.”

Chains

Do you derive a sick, twisted pleasure from finding new ways to bother everyone around you? Does a stereo system just not sound right unless it is cranked all the way up and pointed out your window? Then maybe you want to be the insane, unbearable neighbor. If so, you might want to consider a full set of EFS Chains to have access to a wide range of completely irrational behaviors that are sure to make you the talk of the homeowner’s association.

After all, what better noise-making accessory than gleaming, industrial-grade chains for lifting in your driveway while blasting Whitesnake out of your Iroc-Z? Plus, the galvanized steel is tough enough to be strategically left in the path of your neighbor’s riding mower. Don’t forget, the holidays are coming up, and these chains are the perfect accessory for showing up late at night to haunt your grumpy old business partners, too!

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