Introducing New EFS Log: The Swole Patrol

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Who is the Swole Patrol? No one really knows. It’s been whispered in dark places that they are unicorns or wizards. Others speculate that they are sentient beings composed of enigmatic dark matter. Scientists have not yet been able to classify their testicular magnitude with numbers comprehensible to humans. Mentioning their names in the wrong bar can get you stabbed, but mentioning it in the right bar can get you elected President. Some say that they are nothing more than a whisper in the wind, a shapeless idea, the result of Hulk Hogan, Clint Eastwood, and Bill Kazmaier all getting together in Hell to unleash a collective fart that rises from the Underworld to melt our brains.

All of these things are true, and they are also lies. We at EFS got wind of the Swole Patrol when someone slipped an unmarked DVD into the mail slot at our office. When I picked it up, I could feel that it had a slight but definitely evident electrical charge, and I swear the opening bars of Rock You Like a Hurricane echoed through my head. I warily inserted the disc into the DVD player in our break room. I had no idea what to expect.

This epic clip is not the video that the Swole Patrol showed me. This is only a crude representation of the wonders that were stored on that DVD. I laughed, I cried, I seized up, and I even died for a few brief moments. It took a few days to recover, after which I went to talk to Dave, my nose still bleeding as a result of the overexposure to awesomeness. “Dave, we need to get these guys on our site somehow. They’re… they’re called the Swole Patrol, and they’re going to change the face of the internet as we know it,” I stuttered.

“Yeah, those retards are pretty funny. I’ve been watching their videos for a few weeks. Give ‘em a call,” the boss answered.

Somehow Dave was immune to their mind-melting sorcery.

So we called them. They agreed to post log entries on the site, which you can check here, and they also came to the UGSS. Turns out, they were just normal guys. I guess I’ll just chalk up my earlier blackout reaction to some some bad tuna casserole I had for lunch. Now, when I say that Chandler and Julius (or Mandler and Dudelius, see what I did there?) are normal guys, I mean “normal” in the sense that Chandler showed up wearing snakeskin boots and an all-black cowboy getup, looking sort of like Hank Williams Jr.’s long-lost twin who had been raised by apes in a cave, and Julius was wearing pink and blue Zubaz pants and a shirt that simply read, “You party?”

The Swole Sisters can party.

While they were here for the UGSS, we were able to shoot some exclusive footage with them. They interviewed one of the new EFS-sponsored athletes who is quickly becoming a favorite, Lightweight Pro Strongman Andy Deck. Hilarity ensued.

We’re glad to have these guys on the site. Again, you can check out the Swole Patrol’s log here. Ask them a question in our Q&A too, their specialties are beards and anything related to beards.